Urinealysis

No matter how much I try to prepare for the smell of urine, it doesn't seem to be enough. I still feel angry, disappointed, discouraged and frustrated.

I was able to avoid the basement for most of this morning. Then I needed some logs for the fireplace.

As I left the couch headed for the stairs I still felt the smallest sparkle of 'what if?'. There is always the hope that the basement will not be engulfed with the pungent odor of Marie's urine. 

That hope disappeared.

I shut her bedroom door quietly.  I shut out the smell, the anger, disappointments, discouragements and frustrations. 

My daughter is 12 and wets her bed almost like clockwork. I say almost because over the last few months she has had short periods of staying dry.  The first time I realized this I almost cried.

 

I was incredibly proud.  I only realized she was dry because she walked by and I smelled... nothing. That's weird because when she pees the stench is in her sheets, her skin and her hair. After peeing she curls up in her blankets to continue sleeping and doesn't seem to be bothered. Anyways I smelled her sheets and they smelled like...nothing. This means not only was she dry that night but she had been dry for a while. I had still been making her clean her sheets every morning because I had lost all hope that she would ever be dry. I quit paying attention because it hurt too much.  That may sound selfish but it's the truth.

I made this a HUGE deal. We called the grandparents, we took pictures and we watched TV in our pj's because that is what you do when you don't have to wash your sheets and shower immediately.

She wasn't peeing herself anymore so she was allowed to wear whichever night gown she wanted (the One Direction nightgown is her "pee nightgown" so only one will get ruined by the urine and frequent washings). Then about a week later, as we were getting used to our new morning routine which was slow, simple and easy, Marie put on her pee nightgown for bed.  She broke the seal.

Since then it's been hit and miss. For a while it seemed that she peed when wearing her pee nightgown but not when she wore her pretty princess nightgown.  That theory got shot down. Then it seemed like she wouldn't pee when she went to bed wearing clothes.  That theory proved incorrect as well.  Now Mr. Sexy wants to start all over with her which means waking her up every two hours to pee on the toilet.  When she remains dry for a week she will get up every three hours, then four, and eventually she will be dry all night.

My opinion is that for some reason Marie makes the choice to wet her bed.  She may make the choice based upon what she wears or how she is feeling.  She may make that choice as she goes to bed or maybe she wakes up and decides to pee in bed.  Heck, Michael made that choice just the other morning.  I can understand that it seems easier to a kid to stay in bed and pee than to leave the warm blankets for a cold toilet. But every night making that choice? 

Mr. Sexy has a theory that I scoff at but he truly believes it. Honestly, he's pretty smart and excellent at reading people. He knows Marie and I better than anybody in this world. And that's his theory: Her struggles with bed wetting are completely emotional which in large part revolve around her relationship with me. He tells me all the time that Marie and I have desires to connect but neither of us have a clue on how to do it. We constantly miss the mark.

The reason I scoff at Mr. Sexy's theory is because he is pretty convinced she started staying dry after one night of drunken connection.  Wow that sounds really bad.  Let me explain.

Mr. Sexy was working that night at his second job which left me home with the girls. We had a busy day and Marie didn't have a chance to work on her homework. So I decided to keep her up and make her get it all finished. The plan was for me to grab a beer and watch TV while Marie worked upstairs.  Instead my beer and I parked at the table with Marie. It was incredible entertainment as I watched her figure out sentences to go with her spelling words.  The beer helped me to relax and ignore the imperfections I seemed to always find in her. Instead I saw a sweet girl working really hard on her homework.

I connected. We connected.

A few hours later she was done with homework and ready for bed.  That is when I laid everything out for her.  I put my heart on my sleeve for her and let her know just what I was feeling. I won't go into the details just know tears, hugs and smiles were involved.

It was about a week or so after that when I noticed Marie was dry.

Perhaps Mr. Sexy is onto something with his theory. I want to agree with him because it almost makes sense. Marie desires my approval so much and I desire emotional connection with her. Yet it's still so hard.

I'm incredibly frustrated about the bed wetting.  It's hard for me to ignore it in the mornings because I'm incredibly disappointed. She is better. She is so capable. I tell her that every morning.  But I also tell her that I am mad that she pees. I know that's wrong and not a loving way to handle the situation. That's why I shut her bedroom door in the mornings.  It gives me time to process my emotions so they aren't so hot for her.

Voldemort Update

Marie's biological mother: She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Voldemart: V

We needed a nickname so Mr Sexy and I could talk about 'things' around our kids and this is the most fun one we have come up with yet.

UPDATE time!

This past Monday there was another emergency conference called by the judge but only for the attorneys so we didn't have to worry about being there.  Score!!  We found out what happened only a few days ago.

She is moving back to Texas!  She told her attorney and I guess it's happening or has already happened.  The whole thing is insane!

The counseling service that has been working with us sent their recommendations to both attorneys and the judge, stating they would not be a third party for visitations until V goes through therapy and a psych eval.  Our attorney, who has been with Mr. Sexy for like ten years now and has seen a LOT of s!@# happen, was very surprised at what the counseling service had  to say about V.  I'm disappointed I haven't been able to see the letter for myself.  I'm so curious!  Even the judge voiced his opinion: She is crazy.

So that's where we're at.

V is leaving.  Again.  Thankfully Marie has had absolutely zero emotional connection with the woman so she doesn't know anything has changed.  This time, however, Mr. Sexy and I plan to be proactive.

 We won't stop until Marie turns 18 or she legally becomes my own daughter.

Phew!  For right now a HUGE stress has been lifted.  Thanks Lord.

Risking Rejection Every Day

I feel kind of silly participating in Risk Rejection because I feel completely disconnected to the blogging world.  I miss my last blog where I felt like I made actual friends whom I talked to and they talked back.

I guess I have decided to join this challenge in an effort to meet others and maybe share the challenges that come up with the risk I have chosen.

5 Hearts, One Family.

That's my risk.  I've already started.  It's a risk because last year my blog got a really bad rep.

Initially, about 3 years ago, I started blogging to talk about my relationship with my step-daughter whom I now refer to as my daughter.  I'm not a person to shy away from hard topics and my blog(s) depicted that.  My very first blog site was full of - anger.  To put it mildly.  I had absolutely nothing positive to say although I tried so, so SO hard!  I don't think anyone could see how hard I was trying, though.  So I gave up on that one site.  I can't quite remember why.  I can still look at that blog today if I want.  It's a great encouragement for me to see where I was then and how I have changed since.

I started another blog.  This one was better.  I had almost 50 followers!  I even got contacted to review products!  Woo-hoo!  Again, I was discussing my relationship with Marie and all the hard SHIT (yup, I like colorful words) that was happening to me, around me, inside me.  I poured my heart into my writing.  I can't count how many times I turned into a blubbering fool from an encouraging comment, a friend's post or my own writing.  It was that emotional for me.  I don't regret what I wrote and I would do it all over again because it was honest.

Then I got run off the internet and that was heart breaking in itself.  But it is what it is.  I understand what happened - but I don't understand why or how it got taken to the extreme levels that it did.  These bloggers basically wanted to see me in jail because apparently I was an abusive parent.  I'll be honest.  I have parented in the gray areas.  I have made choices I regret.  And maybe I deserved harassment because let's face it: I'm a very flawed person.

The fact is, however, I shared my heart on the internet.  I hid nothing.  I guess a lot of people found that to be scary so they harassed me, my family and my friends for weeks.

I'm disappointed in myself that I gave up back then.  But I'm back now and it's a scary process for me.  I'm sure that I will get negative feedback in the future.  I won't be surprised if someone from last year happens across my new blog and starts harassing me again.  But it's okay.  I'm in an even better place now than I was back then.  I'm better prepared.  I am more aware.  And I have gone through heart change this past year.

My relationship with Marie is still very fragile.

So that's my risk.  To risk judgement.  To risk hatred.  To risk friendships.  All in an effort to share my journey, my story and my heart so that those who have similar struggles won't feel as alone as I have felt.

3 Kids, 3 Directions, 1 Frazzled Mamma

Today was supposed to be day 3 of homeschooling with Marie.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  I didn't even try.

I have three very different kids who need me all at the same time it seems.

Denai is 9 months old.  She needs me to survive.

Michael needs to spend  time with me whether it's watching TV, playing with his trucks or reading a book.  He craves attention and positive feedback.

Marie needs me to do school.  Right now we are just trying to get through orientation and it. Is. Sloooowwww.  Like our turtle, Shelly Sheldon Sexy.  Marie, above all else, needs my patience.

So....

Denai: Survival
Michael: Time
Marie: Patience

Of course all my kids need so much more than the one word I just typed next to their names.  It's just that one word depicts their number one need.

3 kids.  Three directions.  One frazzled mamma.

I haven't mentioned the messy kitchen, the unpacked bedroom and the carpet that has needed a vacuum for weeks.

 Oh yeah, I'm a wife, too.  So when I pick up Mr. Sexy from work I need to take a deep breath and do my best to not overrun him with my day.  He has had stresses from his own day that he has to come down from.

All this to say: I'm a little nervous about where homeschooling Marie is going to take us.  It's not like I can just set her in front of the computer and say, "Let me know when you're done!"  Well, I could.  But that wouldn't benefit her at all.  I really want homeschool to be a benefit for her and I'm actually excited to learn more about how Marie thinks, learns, and processes information.  This means that during the orientation video I sit next to her and guide her in filling out the notes she was given on the computer.

Surprisingly it wasn't as frustrating as I thought it would be.  At least, not yet.  We are only in orientation after all.  But I am already seeing her struggle and not understand simple ideas as they are shown on her video.  So I slowed things down.  What is taking most kids probably an hour has so far taken us two hours and we are just beginning.

Does that sound crazy?  I think it does.  But I don't care.  The whole point of this homeschool program is to be where Marie is.  If she is at ABC's then that's where we go.  If she is learning 5+5=10 then that's what we practice.  If it takes an entire day to read a story and understand the plot, then I open a bottle of wine and sit in front of the fire while we work through it.

I'm frustrated because Marie has been pushed through the school system in a way that I don't think is helpful for her.  It's great she is 12 and in 6th grade.  However it's not so great that she was spoon fed the information that got her to where she is today.  Let me explain:

Last semester she was coming home regularly with 6th grade homework just like the rest of her peers.  Marie couldn't do it.  My opinion on homework is that no matter the age or ability, the homework should be reinforcing what is learned at school.  This means I shouldn't have to teach the homework.  Right?  The fact was she could not do her homework.  I showed her and even tried to teach her.  She didn't get it.  Frankly, I didn't enroll her in public school so I could teach her every night when she came home.

I'm still boggled by the fact that apparently, at school, Marie did her work just fine.  Yet at home she seemed confused.  Perhaps there was a disconnect between the two places which was down syndrome related.  Okay, I can get that.  Yet, this issue had never happened before this new school in this very small town.  Hmmmm... And then her teacher tells me I'm the one doing something wrong?

So here we are, beginning this homeschool program for free.  Marie has her own computer and everything.  She already surprises me - both good and bad.

Mr. Sexy and I have already thrown a few ideas around on how to help my days feel less insane as we begin this new journey.  I'm a little worried about it but then I'm not at the same time.  One way or another we will figure this out.  Even if I have to hire a maid to vacuum that nasty carpet and clean the kitchen that has dishes from last week by the sink.  ::wink wink::  

Random Bits of Sexy

Haha.  Did my title peak your interest?  Or maybe it scared you away in which case you aren't here... reading this... hmmmm

Anyways 5 Hearts, One Family is a baby and needs to grow a little so I figure what better way to do it than link up with one of my favorite blogs and drop some Random Bits into a post.



1.  I have amazing pink sparkle slippers that make my feet stink like nobody's business.  But I love them and where them all day, every day.
2.  Today was the first day of school.  I'm completely exhausted and it's only going to get better because...
3.  I am officially homeschooling Marie.  I feel like a crazy person who doesn't know what she has gotten herself into.  Today we went through Marie's online orientation stuff and I got so confused that we are doing it all over again tomorrow!! Haha  
4.  Coffee is what gets me through my mornings and beer gets me through many evenings. 
5.  I really enjoy a good joke about flatulence and bowel movements.  
Bonus: I have an amazing streak of pink in my hair.  
I think that's enough Random Bits from now. lol Thanks for the link up Rorybore! 

Home Is Where Relationships Grow

I can't believe we moved out of our small suburban neighborhood only 5 months ago.  I feel like it's been 6 months at least.  Probably closer to 8.  But nope.  Mr. Sexy confirmed that 5 months and 5 days ago was moving day.

Now we live in a town that doesn't have it's own grocery store although we did recently discover (two months ago) that there is actually a post office here!  We had mail that had been sitting for months by the time we made it there during business hours.  The post office is a little bigger than the kid's bathroom and looks like it's connected to someone's house.  There is so much that is different here.

Driveway

Family Room

We basically live in the woods on 78 acres of property.  It's stunningly beautiful during all seasons.  We have no neighbors nearby so we can be as loud as we want as late as we want.  We see deer and elk roaming through the hills regularly and there is even a moose who visits us frequently.  It has been our dream to own property one day so this is like practice.  I'm so glad for that because living far out here has had it's many challenges!  

Home

First it was the extraordinary amount of bees outside.  At dusk I would look out the window and see a haze.  Only it wasn't a haze but millions of bees looking for humans to chase.  Okay they didn't really want to chase me but you would think they did when you saw me running and screaming from the car to the house.  No joke. Generally there are just lots of bugs.  Mites.  Stink bugs.  Black bugs that look like stink bugs but smell like cinnamon sometimes.  The winter has also brought spiders.  ::shivers::  CODE BLACK is how I let Mr. Sexy know there is something big and nasty for him to kill.  He treats me so well.

The cost to heat the house is INSANE and we simply can't afford it.  So now we have discovered the use of fire.  It's amazing.  The stove in the basement and the upstairs fireplace do a much better job than any of the wall heaters AND IT'S FREE!!!!  And comforting.  And pretty.  And good smelling.  ::sighs contentedly::

Heating our house with firewood has had its own list of challenges.  Mainly we need firewood.  And lots of it.  We were such losers when we first started to use the stove as our main source of heat.  We thought the amount of wood already cut for us would last us through the winter with no problem.  HA!  What a laugh.  I think it lasted two weeks.  So we bought a chainsaw and cut down a tree.  This is when we learned about seasoned firewood.  Apparently freshly cut wood is NOT the way to go.  Awesome.  Luckily the guy who used to live here spent a huge amount of time cutting trees and gathering piles of wood in the woods.  It's strange and we can't figure out what he was doing.  But thank the Lord!  Scavenging for wood is getting us through our cold snowy days!  And now this brings me to the heart of this blog.

This weekend was the first time we went scavenging as family.  Well, minus one.  Michael was at his dad's this weekend.  I don't like being cold or wet.  I don't like scary, bumpy rides.  I don't like bugs and I don't like hard work.  But when you gotta do it, you gotta do it.  I put my game face on and pretty soon I was screaming and grabbing onto Marie as if my life depended on it.

The ride wasn't life threatening.
Yet.

There is an old Ford on the property we use for things like snow plowing and hauling firewood from the woods to our back door.  The ride is amazing.  And by that I mean colorful words get squealed while I grab onto whatever is around me and try to keep my butt in my seat and my head from the roof.  It's quite the adventure.

"Marie are you scared?"  I asked.

"No," as she looked away with a huge grin.  She was embarrassed.  Probably because we don't sit and cuddle that often and on that ride we did more than sit and cuddle.  I latched on and squeezed!  Sometimes it's that forced intimacy that can bring on real intimacy.

I always find that the woods are a refreshing place to be.  Even if it's cold and wet.  Mr. Sexy loves the adventure of where we live so he immediately wanted to hike up the hill.  It was nice...

 
This was our view once we got to the top.  Our house is somewhere down there with sleeping Denai in her crib.  Marie was climbing up too and Winnie was running around like a kid who's high from too much candy and mountain dew.  No joke.  That dog is crazy out in the woods.

Oh look there she is! 

This was her only smile during our hiking/wood
scavenging that day.

 Marie likes the woods and cold and hiking and adventure less than I do.  A lot less.  Our first snow this season caught us off guard and we had to hike up our mile long driveway to get home.  Five feet from the car Marie wanted to turn around and go back.  Silly girl.  Hard work is not her strong suit but she will learn.

The scary descent.

We scavenged wood Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday included the hike and Sunday was a quick trip because we were all so tired.  Saturday was a hard day for Marie.  By the time the above picture was taken Mr. Sexy and I were halfway down the hill and she was halfway up the hill at which point she immediately stopped and began the slow journey down.  Hiking up was breath taking.  I really need to work out.  Going down was plain scary.  Mr. Sexy enjoyed racing down the hill - it was pretty steep - and allowed the trees to stop his momentum.  But sometimes he hit a small rotting tree.  That was interesting.  I preferred a more safe approach to the descent.  Marie quickly followed my actions.  It was awesome.  

Hauling wood was next.  Marie was not happy about this.  Not one bit.  At one point I walked over and saw that what I thought was just a runny nose were actually tears.

"Are you crying?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm cold."

"Well zip up your coat you goof and wear your hood!"

She smiled and did just that.  Don't worry, I made sure to give her encouragement and comment on her brute strength.  Although Mr. Sexy laughed at me because he thought I sounded more like a drill sergeant telling military dudes they are awesome.

"GREAT JOB MARIE!"

"YOU GO GIRL!"

"YOU ARE SO STRONG!"

(Remember all those lines are said - well, yelling - with the gusto of a drill sergeant.)

Our Sunday haul was loads better for Marie. I would say she was better prepared for what we were doing and we didn't start out with a hike.  She actually did amazing.  We had a pretty good system where Mr. Sexy would throw the good logs in a pile for me to carry to Marie who would then throw (okay so she doesn't really throw) them in the truck bed.  She had a constant flow of snot (we all did) and she even hurt herself a few times.  But she kept going with a smile and together we all made a great team.

My appreciation for Marie comes when I'm not expecting it.  It seems when I'm not trying to force her to fit into the mold of what I think my 12-year old daughter should look like I can see the 12-year old she actually is.  I really don't like that she is still wetting her bed.  I get frustrated daily by how poorly she listens and doesn't follow simple directions.  I'm constantly annoyed by how slow she is at - well everything.  Except for eating.  That she can be very quick at.

So I guess I'm holding onto the random moments of clarity where I think, Wow, look at her mind work while she tries to figure this out.  I knew our move to the woods had the potential to make or break our struggling family.  Some were concerned about me being up here all alone with no one to talk to.  I'm known as a very social person.  Instead, I would venture to say that this move has been the best decision we have made for our family yet.  Out in the woods, looking out our backyard or sitting by the fire is where my soul finds peace and even a little bit of clarity.

The Sexy family's backyard.

I Am Not Alone

And neither are you.

A year ago my life was violated in a personal way.  Strangers were telling me there was something seriously wrong with me and that I needed psychiatric help.  Some pleaded that Mr. Sexy and I give Marie away to somebody else.  Others threatened to come to my house.

I did feel like something was wrong with me.  Did I share too much?  Was I wrong in my struggles?  Perhaps I even deserved the poor treatment.

Today I went to visit one of my favorite blogs that I have been missing this past year.  Wifessionals  I was floored to find out that she had been bullied off the internet.  I have not had a chance to catch up on any of her posts from this last year but I can't imagine her posting anything that should result in so much harassment.

Part of blogging, to me, is building a rapport with the readers.  I would say trust may be built as well.  However we are in a broken world where trust gets broken over and over again.

During my own bloggy-bully chaos I lost a friend whom I thought was one of my very closest friends.  She was a good person; someone I felt completely open to talk to about the darkest difficulties I was facing.  She took it all in stride - or so it seemed.  After receiving a nasty message about me during the chaos it didn't take long for her to quit returning my texts to have play dates or go out for coffee.  Soon I realized I hadn't seen her facebook status updates and saw that she had deleted me as her friend.

Around that same time I received a long (I mean looooong) facebook message from someone who referred to themself as a "stranger."  Well, this person wasn't a stranger.  I met her through the friend who had just deleted me off of facebook and this "stranger" and I had conversations through facebook before.  You could see the history with her looooong message.

It's true though, we were basically strangers as we had never had a real conversation before.  Apparently someone told her about me (I have a strong suspicion who) and my blog and my daily struggles with Marie.  "Stranger" felt so passionate on the subject she decided an email with her own sob story was the best way to help me out.  It went something like this:

  I had a child with a disability who had seizures all the time.  My life sucked.  I hated my life.  I hated my child.  So one night I decided to ignore him in his room and he slept in really late the next morning.  When I went to check on him I found him dead because he had a seizure and suffocated in his pillow.  Now I am devastated at the loss and I don't want that to happen to you too. 

Maybe this tactic of random emails from "strangers" works for some people.  But honestly I can't think of a scenario where this works.  If "stranger" had been a blogger and shared her blog post, her story would have had a completely different impact.  I probably would have read this story and appreciated the hardships "stranger" faced.  Instead "stranger" pointedly shared way too many personal details in a personal message to me.  For me.  Because I needed to know all those details.

Real relationship happens when we can meet someone else's needs.  To know those needs we have to know that person.  My needs were for a friend who would take me out for coffee or invite me over so I could have a breather from my motherly duties and vent.  Needs change though.  Mine sure do.  The only way to be aware of those changes is to build a relationship.  That happens with time.

Random way-too-personal emails are not relationships.

Hate mail is not how you help someone.  In fact, hate mail makes a bad situation worse.

There is a time and place for encouragement from strangers: facebook, blogging, a text (which would mean you know each other on some level).

But not an overly personal sob story from one stranger to the other.  I'm sure "stranger" meant well.  We all do.  We all want to help.  So what if the best kind of help is step back, keep your eyes open, and pray.

I wish all the blog haters had prayed for me instead of harassing my family and friends.