"Co"-Parenting

It's messy.  It's not edited.  It's raw. But it's honest.

The non communication between Michael's parents and Mr. Sexy and I drives me up the wall.  I'm sure it would most people.  From what I hear, co-parenting is never easy.  I get that.  Except for one thing.  Co-parenting has the term, "co," in it.  As in together.  Working as team.  Talking to each other.  Discussing issues at home or at school.

There is no "co" in our co-parenting system.  At least that's how it feels most of the time.  For instance:

Two days ago was the cookie dough pick up day.  I was really proud of Michael for partcipating in the fundraiser this year and he had goals of how much he wanted to sell in order to receive prizes.  I picked up his two boxes and headed home proudly.  Soon after I got a call from his dad.  Apparantley we picked up his cookie dough as well.  I was confused because I didn't see any names from that set of parents on the order form.

Upon opening the box I found an order form - however it wasn't one I had seen.  It from Michael's dad's family and friends.  I realized I picked up their cookie dough instead of ours.

Frustrating.

Because Michael had two order forms, there was no accumulation of prizes.  He missed out.  Michael missed out on something good because his dad wasn't able to share information with me.

I'm still upset about it.  I feel like Michael was wronged.  I feel like he was let down. I feel like letting go of the "co" in parenting as Michael's other parents seem to do so often.

But I won't.  I'm better than that.  Mr. Sexy is better than that.

Today, I'm still fighting for the "co" in parenting.

Thanks for reading my unedited, unashamed 5 minutes of writing on the word: Still

Click the link below to join in every Friday.

(At least I'm pretty sure it's a link.)

Co-Parenting: How is it "supposed" to work?

Michael just got picked up to go to his dad's house after two weeks here at home.  As I soaked in the tub earlier this morning I spent some time reflecting on how different the house was about to be.  There will be less screaming from Denai because Michael won't be constantly pushing his boundaries with her.  There will be less emotional melt downs over the word, "no."  The stairs will be free from the sleeping bags because Michael likes to ride down the stairs.

In one word: quiet

And then I wonder what it's like at his other house.

I never have a good answer.

Why?  Because his other parents seem to try their hardest not to talk us - much less sit anywhere near us during a t-ball game.  Yup.  They always sat the farthest away from the field and would only approach Michael if Mr. Sexy and I weren't immediately around.  In order for Michael to say hi during his games he had to run to where they were slowly putting their chairs in the bags - waiting for him.

I have one word for them:  Losers

I know it's unkind to name call.  I know that they are good people and love Michael.  However their avoidance of Mr. Sexy and I does not go unnoticed.

Is this normal?

I have been trying really hard to figure out how to communicate and co-parent with Michael's other parents.  Is this just not a reality I should expect or even hope for?  Are there any sets of parents who are able to co-parent and do it well?  

All I'm really looking for is open communication and a surface friendship.

Nothing deep.  I would like to sit next to them at a sporting event and watch our girls play together.  We adults don't even have to talk.  But Michael would see his 4 parents getting along.

I would like to have dinner or even go out for just appetizers every few months just to keep communication lines open.

For me, to keep good will towards another whom I struggle to get along with, I need to see that person, talk to that person and smile with that person.  This can't be done through texting.  Plus, Mr. Sexy and I always find stuff to talk about relating to Michael.  So conversation with all 4 parents shouldn't be boring.

I would like Michael's parents to ask me about his week.

 They don't, however.  This tells me that 1) they don't care or 2) they don't see his time here as real.

 I also would like an answer when I ask about his week at their house, too.  But every time I hear the same line: "He was good, had a great time, no issues."  But I want to know who he played with.  Did he practice riding his bike.  Does he have a new favorite whatever.  What kind of fights did he get into ( I say what kind because he always gets into fights.  Even though his other parents tell me "he was good.").

  Basically, I want to know what his life is like.  Because I care.  And his other life that he lives at his dad's house is real. 

 Plus, I think it's strange and unnatural to not see or talk to my child for a week or longer and not have any idea what went on.


Today I asked Michael's dad about getting together for dinner some time in the next few weeks.  I wasn't surprised by his non-committal answer but it left me incredibly frustrated anyways.

"We have so much going on, I don't see how we can do it any time soon.  Maybe in a few months."  He asked if there was anything specific and we could just talk about it then.  And while there isn't anything specific, I do have a few questions but they are for BOTH his parents.

I even asked him point blank if he thought getting together at all, ever, would be a good idea for our co-parenting relationship.  His answer was the same: "We are too busy right now."  And that's all I got.  I even said, "If you don't want to get together ever for any reason then just tell me so I can figure out a different way to cope with this co-parenting relationship."  Same response: too busy right now.

Again: Loser.  No back bone.  Zero ability to talk honestly.

I am thinking that I may have to accept where we are all at now and then.... give up?  Ummmm I don't give up people!  So do I keep asking about getting together? (He even told me he doesn't think they have time to get together at the park.  Does his other kid not play outside with other kids?!?!?!)

What does co-parenting look like?  Are my expectations too high (a common theme for me actually)? 

Y is for Yelling and Screaming: My Journey Through Parenthood

Y is for Yelling and screaming.

"about" 18 months old?
Who really remembers these things? 

I remember the first huge, earthquake of a tantrum Michael threw at the grocery store.  Safeway, to be exact.  He was about 18 months old (but as I think about it a LOT of things happened when he was "about" 18 months old).

Thankfully, I had done my research and I was prepared.  Instead of standing around, red-faced and trying to talk sense into the senseless, I picked him and ran out as fast as I could.  And yup, some minimum wage clerk had to put away my full basket of groceries.

I'm not sure where exactly I learned to do this.  I read that I needed to take him out of the situation to show him who was in control.  Weird thing was that it worked.  Over time the tantrums lessened and I was able to console him right then and there.  No running out for this mom!  It was an amazing feeling.  As soon as his head threw back my "mommy tone" came out and he shaped right up.

As he got older, years older, he realized he could still throw himself on the floor even when I was using my "mommy tone."  That wasn't fun.  Thankfully Mr. Sexy had put a ring on my finger and has played a major role in Michael's life.

It just so happens that a big part of our lives involve yelling and screaming.

Still.

He's 6.  I hear that for some kids that's normal and for others it's not.

Who cares.

All our kids are different from all kinds of different families.  I'm proud of Michael constantly because he has a huge heart that yearns to love people.  He doesn't always know how to do that, however.  So he resorts to yelling and screaming.

Oh well, perhaps 7 will be different!

A Valentine's project we did together for school.

What was your worst tantrum experience like? 

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

X is for X-Rays: My Journey Through Parenthood

X is for X-rays.

Michael's first x-rays resulting in a cast was when he was about this old:

He was 18 months or so?  I can't really remember.  I just remember going on the "big boy" slide was scary and he didn't like to do it.  Nanna talked him into it one day and somehow, on the way down, his leg got tweaked.  We ended up taking him to the ER where he got his first x-rays.  It was exciting.  Of course I was there with Mr. Sexy.  Michael's dad was there, too, along with the rest of the family.  Both his parents and a few aunts and uncles.  It was interesting....that's all I'll say.

Michael's fracture was so minimal the doctor wasn't even sure there was one.  He recommended a cast basically to be on the safe side of things.  

For years Michael remembered Nanna, the slide and the cast.  

Apparently boys will tend to find themselves wearing a cast quite often.  So far, though, Michael has stayed "safe." 

Do you have any stories about x-rays resulting in a cast?  

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

U is for Untruths: My Journey Through Parenthood

U is for Untruths.

Mr. Sexy and I like to always be honest with our kids when they have questions.  Michael has many questions all the time.  It's exhausting.  While I was pregnant we had a lot of conversations about where babies come from.  I didn't make up any stories about magic or storks.  I gave him truths that he could handle and knew he would press the subject more when he was ready.  Later.  Much later.  Years later.

From some of Michael's stories it seems that his other parents take a different approach to his many questions and concerns:

One night Michael was very concerned about the monster that was eating away his stomach.  He said his daddy told him that he has bumps on his tummy from a monster....

yeah...creepy.  

It took a while to figure this one out.  Michael was peeing his bed regularly at this point and had developed a slight rash.  He asked his dad and after that conversation (I don't want to assume here) Michael was believing there was a monster eating his tummy.  

Mr. Sexy is amazing with this kind of stuff.  It took a while but Mr. Sexy explained the facts to Michael using logic and facts and TRUTHS.  Michael isn't afraid of the imaginary monster anymore.  He doesn't pee his bed every night either. 



Another evening Mr. Sexy and I left the kids in the car while we ran in to grab take out.  It was raining and everyone was tired.  Makes sense right?  While in the restaurant Michael ran in, out of breath.  

"You didn't leave the windows cracked!  We will suffocate and die!" 

Deep breath.  Poor Michael.  Again, Mr. Sexy very logically explained how they are safe in the car with the windows shut especially for such a short amount of time. 

"Do you really think mom and I would leave you guys in the car to die?"

That question sounds insane but it had to be asked for Michael's sake.  He was being overrun with fear and thus, not able to trust his parents.  Either set, most likely. 

I have many more stories like these I just told.

I definitely believe in giving real and honest answers to my kids' questions and concerns based on their maturity. I won't get into the gruesome details about child birth or how I got pregnant.  But Michael did ask a lot of questions and he got to a point where he didn't need to know anymore.  That was okay with everybody.  (His stopping point was learning that babies sometimes get cut out of tummies or come out between mommy's legs.  It wasn't a graphic conversation.  It was very short and concise.)

Are you comfortable with off the wall questions from your kids?  Or does it make you break into a nervous sweat?

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Other Parents: My Journey Through Parenthood

O is for Other parents.

Here is the quick rundown of how our family is indeed a family.

Mr. Sexy had Marie with his first wife who is no longer around which gives us full custody (it's a long and never ending story).

I had Michael with my college boyfriend and we currently split custody down the middle.  He is married to his high school sweetheart and they have one child together. 

Denai is the product of Mr. Sexy and I.  Nuff said. 

There are lots and lots of Other parents we get to deal with.

Michael's dad and step-mom: It's really hard to co-parent when the "co" in the relationship feels nonexistent.  Michael's dad is a good guy but he lacks when it comes to communicating.  At least with me.  When I send him a text message I expect a response at some point, particularly when I'm asking a question.  Days will go by with nada from him.  He rarely answers my phone calls, much less calls me back.  The four of us have been able to sit down together at a restaurant which is an amazing feat for anybody in this situation.  We talk about Michael and brainstorm on how we can parent as similarly as possible.  Then later I get a text that says they think our ideas were no good.  It's frustrating when someone says one thing to your face then seems to change their mind the minute you walk out the door.  This may not happen every time we get together but it happens often enough so that it feels like it happens every time.

I don't know much about Michael's step-mom.  Her and I are actually a lot alike which is comical.  We are both blondes and could be considered a bit bitchy and have aggressive personalities.  Interestingly, however, she tends to take a step back in the parenting arena with Michael.  At least that's how it appears when I'm in the room.  Who knows what happens at home.  On one hand it's nice that she doesn't have an overstated opinion since it's a tense situation.  On the other hand I wish she would have an opinion because frankly, she is his parent as much as the rest of us.  Michael calls her "mom" even.  At least I think he does.  So she better damn well have an opinion about how to handle his tantrums and crappy attitude because she is in an important person in his life!

Grandparents: Mr. Sexy's family lives a two-day drive away and we are hoping to visit this summer (fingers crossed)! We just moved away from my family but only by about an hour's drive.  Grandparents have a very important role in the lives' of our kids although I do believe they should be the instigators.  With everything happening at home I can hardly remember where I put my keys let alone worrying about whether the grandparents have called that week or not.

Then we have the friends or strangers who see it as their duty to parent kids that aren't there own.  If they were babysitting or something, well of course they get to make those judgements.  But otherwise this type of "parenting" ruffles my feathers just a bit.  And sometimes a lot.  It's a fine line to walk - especially with friends.  When do you say something - if you bring it up at all?  How do you mention it without sounding rude or making it uncomfortable?  And then after the conversation, that friend has to figure out where the line is drawn on this topic.  Of course if somebody sees my kid running with scissors or playing with a lighter I want ANYONE to stop this.  Other than that, however, the line seems very thin and easy to cross over.  I'm very flippity-floppity on the subject.

So, these are my experiences and thoughts on a few types of other parents.

What are your experiences with other parents? Was it welcomed or just a pain in the ass?  There is no judgement here!

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Kindergarten: My Journey Through Parenthood

K is for Kindergarten.

This year Michael started kindergarten!

It was a strange feeling. I could tell he was nervous as he hung on my hand and meandered towards the backpack drop off.  This wasn't his first morning being dropped off at kindergarten.  We were actually a few weeks into the year already.   

Michael never went to daycare (at least not on my time) and had never even had a sleepover (again, not on my time).  He did go to his dad's every other week but his dad isn't big on communication so I was always shady on Michael's version of the "facts."   

I had five years with Michael to teach him everything he needed to know to be successful.  Well, maybe not EVERYTHING but enough to get him through kindergarten.  Still, leaving him at the playground which was overflowing with small people and teachers I was unfamiliar with, was a little nerve racking even for me.  I had to trust that Michael was succeeding.  

The end of the year is now upon us and the experience has been very good!  I have enjoyed watching Michael grow and change and learn.  He is well liked by his classmates and his teacher.  He looks forward to going to school every day.  He even met his wife (or so he says).  Apparently they are going to get married and have 4 kids.  Two girls and two boys.  'Nuff said yo. 

Michael and his betrothed. 

The decision for Michael to attend public school wasn't really mine to control.  (What is anyways?)  Last summer, Mr. Sexy and I were living an hour and a half away from Michael's biological dad.  Our options were few.  We could fight a custody battle or we could move closer to his dad and maintain Michael's week-on, week-off exchange schedule.  Michael's dad did continue to bring me to court for primary custody even after being assured that we were moving to the area.  We even found a house and were getting ready to put down our deposit.  Talk about frustrating.  And a stupid waste of money.

I would have preferred to homeschool Michael at least through kindergarten.  We could test the waters in the homeschool life style.  We wouldn't have to leave our hometown where family and friends were.  We could also cater homeschooling to our personal lives.  I have seen many wonderful examples of this.  Michael's dad, however, gave us a flat "no."  It wasn't unexpected.  During my 3-year relationship with him he often shut down ideas were unfamiliar.  He wouldn't even try.  As you can see, that hasn't changed.

I'm happy with Michael's experience in kindergarten this year.  Next year will be another major transition: A full school day of 1st grade!  That might be a little weird for me, too, like kindergarten was in the beginning.  We will adjust, though.

The process of letting go sure starts early!  It kind of feels like they start out as babies where we control everything and then as they grow older we have to let go of that control, little by little.

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

What was your experience like starting kindergarten?  

Insecurities: My Journey Through Parenthood

I is for Insecurities.

When Michael's dad married, the nickname that evolved for her was, "Memma."  Needless to say, I hated it.  I felt cheated.  I felt manipulated.  I talked to Michael about calling her by her real name.  I talked to his dad about how I felt the nickname was inappropriate.  I even went so far as to correct Michael when he called her "Memma" during exchanges.

It got to the point where Michael was correcting himself when around me.  I saw the red flag and I took a step back.  Yeah, go me.  In my book that takes maturity.

Over time I realized a name is just a name.  It doesn't matter that I believe Michael actually calls her "mom" now.  It doesn't matter that he tells her she is the best mom in the whole world.  (He told me he says these things.)

The relationship Michael and I have is mine to lose.

He knows who I am.  We have a bond that she cannot sever.  This goes back to yesterday's post on the heart.  If I'm continually aiming to reach beyond what I see on the outside, I don't think I'll ever lose him.  I suppose that was my insecurity.  I didn't want to lose him.

Mind you, Michael tells me he loves me in sweet ways all. The. Time.  He tells me I'm the best mommy in the whole wide world. All. The. Time. He's 6.  He'll figure out eventually that I truly am the best mommy in the whole wide world.  ;)

Helping out in his kindergarten class.

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Feelings: My Journey Through Parenthood

F is for Feelings.

There are 5 hearts in my family, each attached with 5 different sets of feelings.  How in the world is that supposed to work?!

I wish that I could just go with the flow of my feelings.  I wish I could believe the naive thoughts that the phrase "go with how your heart feels" is always good advice.  I wish that my feelings told me truths  all the time.

The truth is that how I feel does not necessarily depict a truth.

Here's a hard-to-share-example:

I feel like I can't stand Marie.  In the past I have gone so far as to voice that I feel like I hate her.  Then I met a group of people who, after hearing me speak about her, would say, "Wow, I can see you really love her."  Say what?!  That was not how I was feeling at all!  What I felt was the opposite of love!  I kept meeting with this same group of people and they told me these things over and over again.

Eventually I saw the truths behind their words.  If I stop to think about my frustrations with Marie I realize it comes from a place of caring about her.  Now that I know that about myself I can stop feeling hatred and start learning to love and hopefully one day I can honestly say I feel that love.

I heard once that feelings don't always come first.  Actions do.  So if I make the daily choice, scratch that, the moment-by-moment choice, to show an action of love, the idea would be that the feeling will follow eventually.

Mr. Sexy uses this philosophy on me all the time.  I'm not alway easy to love.  Sometimes what Mr. Sexy feels like doing is punching a car window or taking off for a drive or yelling at me so I can see how pissed he is.  But he's not the man he used to be.  Instead he puts aside his feelings and does something that shows me love.  Over and over and over again he does this.

The result:  It works.  And although healthy changes in our family feel very slow, the fact is there are changes.  My friends and family may not see them.  I may not always even see them.  But change is happening.

As I am learning that my feelings are not absolute truths, Michael is learning that same lesson.  I cannot describe how humbling it is to be learning a concept alongside my six-year old son.  So many times he has watched me white knuckle the steering wheel, breathing big, deep breaths while angry tears streamed down my face because my feelings were giving me untruths and I had to fight that.

I'm definitely not perfect in how I handle all my feelings.  I made mistakes yesterday and today and I will make more tomorrow.

But here's the truth: A feeling is just a feeling and not rooted in absolute truth.  For absolute truth I will need to turn to my Bible.  And that is where I will learn how to love.

Christmas, 2013

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Co-Parenting: The Silent Partner

There is a new show called "Raising Fisher" or something like that.  Have you seen it?  I missed the pilot but got episode 2 on my DVR.  It was pretty funny and cute and made me feel good when the entire family was sitting around a candle lit dinner eating takeout smiling and laughing with each other.  What a picture perfect family. 

But wait. 

That couple had just gotten divorced. 

Say what?!?!

That picture doesn't look anything like what I have seen in broken marriages and relationships.  In fact, the image that media wants to put off about perfect co-parenting families really boils my blood (Trophy Wife?!?!).  Show me a real life situation where things are that hunky dory and maybe I will have a glimmer of hope.  

I usually see the situation between me and Michael's dad (D), as very positive.  In reality it's not positive at all - unless the fact that we don't argue is considered positive. 

It's impossible to argue with someone if they won't talk to you.  

Every Thursday I call D to ask about Michael's week.  I want to know about school, his friends, did he get to do fun stuff like go to a movie or visit his grandparents house?  I want to know what his life is like at his dad's house and have some pointers on how to talk to Michael when I pick him up.  This curiosity seems normal to me.  But.... maybe it's not? 

D NEVER calls me.  I'm lucky if I get a text saying Michael is sick and staying home from school.  D has not called once this entire school year to find out about Michael's week with me.  This tells me D doesn't care.  Maybe D wants to pretend that Michael doesn't actually have a life over here? I really don't know. 

Every once in a while the four of us sit down for dinner: both sets of parents.  Sounds nice right?  And it is.  On the surface.  We smile and chit chat and order drinks and food.  They offer to pay sometimes as long as we don't order alcohol.  Their beliefs tell them alcohol is wrong so instead they order root beer and mountain dew.  They always leave my one margarita on a separate bill for me and Mr. Sexy to pay for.  It's awkward.  But it's also stressful.  So I always try to ask the server to throw in some extra tequila.  Wink wink. 

Then we talk about Michael.  School.  His friends.  His behaviors.  Then we brainstorm.  Oh, wait, I'm laughing too hard.  I brainstorm.  Mr. Sexy brainstorms.  D and his wife don't usually have anything to say on how we can improve our co-parenting relationship or how we can guide Michael through his struggles.  It's nice that they always agree to our ideas.  It's not so nice that a week later D tells me they won't do it.  I'm completely fine with new ideas on how to parent.  I'm even fine knowing he is going to be parented completely differently at his dad's house. 

I am NOT fine with his dad and step-mom telling me one thing and then "changing their mind" once they walk out of the restaurant.  

I know things could be worse.  Voldemort is a great example.  It's just that things could be better as well.  So much better. 

The facts are: 

D and his wife are good people.  They love Michael.  They are nice - as far as I can tell.  

Mr. Sexy and I are good people.  We love Michael.  We are nice, too.  

So why can't we just get along like they do on TV?!?!