The Karev Issue

Feeling rejected is the worst.  Especially when it's from someone close.

For me, it was my husband.

I didn't know that's what I was feeling in the moments, though.  I did feel angry and my body language said that much.  But it was late and Mr. Sexy was tired so he gave up and went to sleep.

I stewed for a bit.  Then decided to ask myself, why? What has happened to make me feel angry? 

Hurt was the next emotion that came to mind.  I was feeling hurt.  He went to sleep, after all.  He went to sleep when I wanted to snuggle and kiss on him.

He rejected me. 

Now it's time for some background:

Over and over again I have to learn that sometimes my body language alone does not get my point across to him. Sometimes I have to be a little bit more aggressive.  Sometimes I have to actually say what I want - out loud.  Weird, right? Yet, this is my struggle.

What if I tell him I would enjoy some intimate kissy-face and he declined? 
What if I was more aggressive and he shrugged me off? 
What if...?

These insecurities were not bred from my relationship with my husband.  They were bred from the relationships preceding my husband. 

As Mr. Sexy fell asleep and I struggled with feeling hurt, I dug a little deeper into myself.

When has hurt me in this way? 

Answer: He hasn't.

So why the struggle?  The same struggle for three years?

Fact is, this hasn't been a struggle for only three years.  It goes deeper and wider than that.

As I was deeply thinking all this through, I had Grey's Anatomy re-runs on.  I love that show.  I love almost everything about it.  Because I love it so much, I have gotten really into the characters.  This particular episode revolved around Alex Karev.

Alex Karev has a history of putting up walls that make him appear as something he is not.  When he finally lets someone get through, what they find is a very sensitive person who feels deeply and loves passionately.

I decided that I am a bit like the character Alex Karev. For many - even for members of the family I grew up with - what is seen are the walls I build around myself.  I am labeled as defensive, hard to talk to, unteachable, rude, and I'm sure there are more. So when that's what others see and they tell me so, that's what I start to see as well.

Thank God I have a husband who is able to penetrate those walls and see somebody different.  Somebody he really, really loves.  Somebody he sees as beautiful, loving and caring.  I do put walls back up for him from time to time.  But he knows.  He always knows.  While it isn't easy for us to get past those walls, we are able to do it.  Together.  He sees the me God created me to be. 

God is working on these walls.  He is teaching me that in Him, there doesn't need to be fear. While there will be pain, there will also be joy.  But until I'm willing to stop building, it doesn't look like I will get to experience the joy that only comes from God.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 

Psalms 51:12

The Single Issue

My husband was a single dad this weekend.

HA.  NOT.

Dad's kind of breakfast.

He was at home with the kids while I went away for a few nights, He was in no way a "single dad."
Yet, I wonder how many of us refer to ourselves as single parents when the spouse is gone.  Mr. Sexy used to be out of our home daily from 4 am to 7 pm. I was asked if it felt like I was a single parent.  My answer is: Heck no!  My husband came home every night. I texted him all day. He was working and bringing in an income so I could be home with the kids. It was always strange to be asked if I felt like a single parent.

I may hit some hot buttons with this topic.  While it's not a huge deal, it's still something I hear from people and I'm thinking about it today as I left Mr. Sexy with all 3 kids this weekend.

Sometimes it's a weekend, sometimes it's a week, sometimes it's a few years that one spouse is out of the home.  Work conference, get away weekend, and deployment are just a few examples. But none of that makes either spouse single.

I understand taking care of the kid(s) alone day in and day out would feel lonely.  Before I met and married Mr. Sexy I was doing the single mom thing.  I consider it a huge blessing we got married when Michael was very young.  Thinking about my personal education, a steady income and Michael's future was a lot to juggle on my own.  Not to mention the day to day tantrums, grocery shopping, bed time stories and so on.

I was a single mom.
I was the source of my income.
I was my housekeeper.
I was Michael's disciplinarian.
I was the chef.

There was no other person coming home to us at the end of the day.
There was no one to tell me good night as I turned off the light.
There was no cash flow coming from anyone other than me (ok, well, I was on welfare so the government did their part too).
There were no love letters in my email, no love notes in my mailbox.
When I had a bad day, there was no significant other to text, email or call about it.

Am I making my point?

Denai at 32 weeks.

Mr. Sexy and I found out I was pregnant with Denai the morning he had to leave for three weeks.  Military stuff.  He wasn't allowed to cancel or postpone.  Three weeks was a long time.  I missed him so much it felt painful.  Taking care of the two kids and growing one was exhausting work for me. I didn't get to talk to Mr. Sexy whenever I wanted.  Most of the time his phone was off.  But I texted him as if he were able to read each one so he would be fully updated when he had some time to talk. I wasn't working outside the home, yet there was still a cash flow in my bank account so I could do the grocery shopping. I looked forward to Mr. Sexy coming home every day - as did the kids.

In no way was I a single mom during those weeks. My husband was away and working hard to provide for our family.  I don't know many single parents who can say that.

Gossip

It's such a cliche term, right?

At least, I used to think so.

However the past 3 years have shown me how costly a "cliche" term, such as gossip, can be.

I have lost best friends.  Yup.  That's plural.

A few of my best friends had some concerns for me and my family.  Instead of approaching me and my husband, they met in secret with each other.  They gave us an ultimatum: I leave my house or they call the cops.

Was something that drastic necessary?  No.  We were already neck deep in counseling and learning to be a family.  Did I mention yet that we had been a family for only 3 months?

One of my friends apologized (that same night actually) and saw how things took a turn for the worse.  However, that relationship never was the same.  And it pains me even today.

My other friend lied to me and my husband.  They called the cops even after I went to stay at my parent's house as they had demanded.

Have you ever felt such a violation?  In those moments of being driven away from my family by my brand new husband, I had nobody.  At least, that's what the big feelings told me.

When the cop showed up at my house he expressed sorrow to my husband for our predicament.  My family was eating dinner - without me - and our house was immaculately cleaned and ready for Marie's birthday party the next day.  The cop had no cause for concern and told Mr. Sexy how he often gets calls like these.  Calls that amount to nothing.

But my family was left in pieces.  Pieces we seem to still be picking up. 


Some time goes by.  I can't think how long.  This part is jumbled.

A blog I used to have became some sort of small internet sensation.  One person, a "troll" is what I think they are called, saw a few pieces I had written and wrote disgusting things on her blog about me.  She used my site address, my name and any other personal information she could find.  She had a very large readership.  Soon friends and family were getting emails calling me despicable names.  The cops were called and CPS became involved.

All this happened because of gossip.

Around that same time some people from my home church called my family pastor with concerns for me and Marie.

This was a church I called family.  I grew up there.  Many knew my family well.  Yet they still had the audacity to go behind my back.  Gossip.  

Again, there was betrayal and the feeling of being violated.

Church is supposed to be safe.  Church is supposed to reserve judgement.  Church is supposed to be about people.



Fast forward to right now.

My family moved away from that area one year ago.  It was a difficult move but the right one.  However I have missed my church tremendously.  So this past weekend we went to their family camp.

We had a wonderful time.  It was exactly what our family was needing.  Marie and I had many good moments together.  She talked to me and we played together and laughed together.  Family tensions were put at rest and I was able to practice letting go of control.  At times it was difficult.  But I had the support of my husband.  I had the support of my church family.

Or did I?

It seems someone has once again gone to the pastor to express concerns. 

Now, at this point, if I were you, I would be thinking, "There must be cause for some sort of concern if this keeps happening."

But really?

The betrayal.  The violation of my family.  Every single instance is brought back all at once.  

I can't breathe.  My heart is beating hard and fast.  I'm shaking and I feel nervous.

Trust is becoming a thing of the past for me.

 I have 4 friends that I can still trust with the realities of my life.  My husband is one of them.  The other is a strong believer and has been my rock over and over again.  The other two don't regularly attend church although I will pass no judgments on their religious standpoints. They are better friends than many of my Christian friends. This is my circle.  These four people have chosen to address concerns to me and my husband directly.  I know this because it has happened!  And you know what?  We are better friends for it!  

Gossip is no cliche.  Gossip tears relationships apart.  It rips up families and wears down a person.

I am feeling worn down.  I want to give up the fight.  And that is just where Satan wants me.  

But praise God my husband has recently been lifted from years and years of physical bondage.  He will tell that story soon.  But I have to mention it now.  He is now energized in ways I have not seen in a long time, if ever.  He is showing me compassion, withholding his judgments and loving me if only because Jesus loves me.

I cannot describe the pain I feel.  It's a pain that seems to continue to build each time I face the same battle.

I want the gossip to stop.  Even when it's hard.  I want it to stop.  Because this gossip shit is getting all of us nowhere.  In fact, it's a hot tool that Satan is using in your life, and now,  in my life.

A Cup of Water

Some people think I have my husband wrapped around my little finger.  I guess in some respects, I do - but not in the way that so many seem to perceive.  What others sometimes see, is I say, "jump," and he responds, "how high?" This is a false perception of our relationship.  In fact, I dated a guy like that.  It turned out that having a doormat for a boyfriend got boring fast which quickly turned into annoyance and then to resentment.

Friends have told us that I am spoiled and that Mr. Sexy does too much for me.  For instance, the other night we got all snuggled in bed, ready for sleep.  Of course that's when I realized I forgot to get water for my middle of the night cravings and my terrible morning breath.  I didn't even have to ask.  Mr. Sexy was already up and headed to the kitchen.  So, am I being spoiled or taken care of?

When I start demanding things from my husband, I creep into the area of being spoiled.  It turns out that he likes to be asked to do things.  This gesture alone tells him I don't take him for granted and I appreciate what he does for me.

Believe it or not, I struggle to ask for something as simple as a cup of water.  My husband amazes me with how nice and kind he is to me.  When I tell him these things, I can see he is flattered.  Later he tells me that it's also painful for him to hear.

Let me explain from his perspective:  If I am literally the nicest and kindest man you have met, that means you have been surrounded by men and boys who are far less than who they were created to be. 

 The other night I witnessed an exchange between a husband and wife which made my blood boil.  This couple had obviously been married for a very long time as they were surrounded by close friends, kids and grand kids.  The wife seemed happy and excited to be surrounded by loved ones and cooking hot dogs over the campfire.  She stood over the high flames and asked for her husband to please come cook their hot dogs.  He was sitting a few feet away with a plate of salad.

"No way!" was his response.  To make sure he was clear, he even said it twice.

His tone, his words and the look on his face suggested indignation at such an outlandish request from his wife.

The wife, who seemed to take it all in stride, shrugged and continued with the cooking for her and her husband.

It took only a moment for their close friend to volunteer to cook their hot dogs for them.  As the friend bent down closer to the fire, the husband re-positioned as if to get up.  At least, that's what should have happened.  Instead the husband remained sitting, engrossed in his salad, while his friend cooked his hot dogs.

The part that makes my blood boil is the example he has set for his own children on how to love and take care of and cherish his wife.  Worse still: Both husband and wife seemed clueless that there was something amiss.

Perhaps the story I just shared hits close to home.  Or maybe it doesn't.  Maybe it's a normal that some say you just have to get used to.  I bet many even think of telling me, "Just wait till you have been married 20 years."

I do have a husband who spoils me.  But it's not in the way many think.  He loves me every day as best he can.  Sometimes that means getting me a cup of water in the middle of the night.  Sometimes that means pausing his dinner to help me with mine.  Sometimes that means taking the screaming baby out of the restaurant.  Sometimes it means going to a social function when what he really feels like doing is relaxing at home.

I struggle with how nice and kind my husband is to me.  I have never seen anybody treated the way I am treated.  It's a foreign idea - but it won't be for my kids.  Even now, Michael sees how his step-dad will go out of his way to do something kind for me.  Michael already makes attempts to follow in these footsteps.

I don't mean to stand on a soap box about my perfect marriage and my perfect family.  We have issues just like you.  My husband is not perfect and I have lots of stories to prove that.  I am in counseling because I can't figure out how to get over the resentment I feel towards my step-daughter.  Michael is mean to his sisters when he thinks Mr. Sexy and I are not around.  Denai is our little screamer and I already face battle of the wills with her.

We are not perfect.  But we are challenged.  Every day we are challenged.  Are you?

I'm Sexy and I Know It

Thank you Rory for such a fun topic!  I love just about any excuse to talk about... well, okay.  I typically save this subject for my girl friends.  But today, it's here at 5 Hearts.

July, 2011

What makes me feel the most confident/attractive/sexy?  Do I think I'm sexy?

This is today's topic.

When I got married I joked with Mr. Sexy that I was in the best shape of my life and he better enjoy it because once pregnancy would hit it would be gone forever.  So far that seems to have been a true statement.  Now, I'm not fat.  But I'm not super thin and fit like I once was.  And in my warped view of what sexy is/looks like: I, apparently, am not sexy.

I tell Mr. Sexy about how when I walk I can feel all my body parts jiggle and my thighs are huge and my arms ripple when I wave.  He laughs and tells me that I'm stupid for worrying about stupid stuff.  He doesn't actually say I'm stupid.  He's much nicer than that.  Silly is a better word.

However, I don't quite believe him until he pulls me in for a passionate kiss and then I can feel just how sexy he thinks I am.

Some days I do feel sexy.  It's largely based on my mood.  Which is highly effected by the weather.  So basically, winter sucks and summer is great.

So between you and me: I don't typically feel all that sexy. I wish that I did.  It's something I am working on because I should feel and know that I am sexy every day.

July, 2011

But wait.  Perhaps sexiness and attractiveness and all that stuff is a bit more than just a feeling?  Perhaps it's knowing that I generally eat appropriately and I'm a fairly active person.  Feelings lie all the time.  Yet I give them a lot of weight in my life.

I grew up looking towards boys to make me feel attractive.  I knew I was hot enough when they wanted to sleep with me.  Those that didn't or didn't seem to try, well, I wasn't good enough for them.  I hope my own daughters don't have to deal with so much pain.

Now, I look to my husband to feel attractive.  Every once in a while I can see that a man walking by might look me up and down and the thought crosses my mind that,  I still got it.  But really, those boys don't matter.  What matters is my attractive husband who daydreams about me at work even though he will be coming home soon.  That's how much he likes me.

In a perfect world I would be content with my imperfect body and completely be confident.  Sadly, it's not a perfect world and I, like many other women, struggle in feeling "good enough" for my husband because of my own comparisons to others.

Do you feel sexy/confident/attractive in your life/marriage? 

Some Summertime Highlights

Summer is in full swing!  Therefore, I don't have as much time for blogging.  On top of having a fun summer we are also going to be moving soon.  That means I will be getting busy (not a fun busy) sometime soon.  ALSO life happens.  Lots and lots of life.

It always takes a bit to get back into the writing mode, doesn't it?  So, I suppose I will just make a list of our recent happenings and go from there.



I held my first fishing pole, cast for the first time and that same day I caught my very first fish!

Later I overheard Mr. Sexy telling a man walking by that it was "just a baby trout."  Baby or not I was ecstatic and still am mighty proud! I really wanted Mr. Sexy to take care of it and cook it for me....but that didn't happen.  Then the car started stinking like fish...The smell is gone now, thank goodness! 

Mr. Sexy has just started counseling, we have an appointment with a behavior specialist to help us with Marie, and if things don't improve I will be seeking counseling as well.  

Some details are too intimate at this point to share so openly.  Basically, our family is under a constant state of stress, much of which falls on the shoulders of my husband.  His lack of sleep is a huge problem and only adds to the chaos of things.  Mr. Sexy is continuing with a sleep doctor, hoping to find some answers.

Camping!
This is the closest thing we have to a recent family photo.

  

I'm proficient at peeing in the woods - BY MYSELF. 

This is huge for me people.  A few months ago, the idea freaked me out.  Then, while camping in the woods, I had no choice so I squatted while hanging onto Mr. Sexy so I wouldn't fall over.  Then, in my parent's bathroom, I read their calendar which described just "how" to squat.  My parent's have a poop calendar in their bathroom.  It's very funny.  So anyways, I now pee, in the woods, by myself.  I even choose the woods over the porta-potty.  

Our most recent campsite.
The nearest porta-potty was a decent hike away.

Marie's birth mother calls twice a week and Mr. Sexy and I allow them to talk.

There is going to be paperwork signed for all this - we hope, at least.  Voldemort's attorney wants a few stipulations taken out, one of which requires Voldemort to go back to the counseling program if she wants visitations with Marie again.  Right now trial is cancelled, but if this attorney pushes this issue, trial will probably have to happen.  Read more about this under the label 'V Update.'

I'm walking, because I feel like I'm turning into a fat ass. 

If we didn't have such a steep driveway, I would be running.  That's the goal, though, to run UP the driveway.  Will that happen?  I have my doubts.  Especially since this is week two and the sunburn that is covering my back and shoulders is a great excuse to stay in bed and not move in the mornings.  

This picture is a view looking down the driveway.
As you can see, it seems to drop.
It's steep.

Random things still go wrong. 

For instance, our truck broke down a few weeks ago.  The starter went out.  So it sat in the parking lot while we ordered the part and waited.  And waited.  While we waited a tire went flat.  That was sad.  Then it wasn't flat.  A good Samaritan fixed it.  That was awesome!  Then the starter came, Mr. Sexy put it in, and apparently the truck sounds like new.  

But wait!  There's more.  We came home from a weekend of camping to find a different tire had gone flat.  Mr. Sexy drove it to the nearest gas station before work this morning, very slowly, so he could fill it back up.  Well the tire blew out and Mr. Sexy barely made it home.  So he took our mini-van to work and told me to go look at the tire because I probably haven't seen anything like it.  While I viewed it from a distance, I didn't think it was worth the walk (again, see above bold print about turning into a fat ass).

I have taken a major step back in Marie's life. 

 Earlier I mentioned Mr. Sexy is in counseling ect. Well, there was a blow up.  Most blow ups and arguments stem from two things: Marie or money.  This time it was Marie.  What began as a misunderstanding turned into something much larger.  Therefore, we are seeking help in all areas. 

Marie is a major trigger for Mr. Sexy and I.  Currently, the bottom line is that I don't feel like I can interact with Marie any longer - at least, not in a positive way.  Things had actually been going really, really well.  Until they weren't.  The thing is, I don't see what Mr. Sexy sees.  And he doesn't see what I see.  While I see Marie giggling at my stupid jokes while I'm getting her ready for bed, Mr. Sexy sees how Marie is often set apart from the rest of us.  This a long conversation that will be continued over time. 

She spends more time trying to figure out
the worm situation than actually
fishing.

Lastly, we're moving! 

This whole moving thing has been incredibly frustrating.  

First, we found out the owners are selling. 

Second, we were told they didn't want us here while the house is on the market.  That gave us two months.

Next, we asked their realator, an incredibly nice lady who has been in charge of the property, about possibly getting out of our lease early since they don't want us here anyways.

She received no response. 

Now Mr. Sexy has started getting phone calls from the owner about us showing the house which their realator isn't aware of. 

When Mr. Sexy asked the owner about possibly letting us out of our lease, it was put out like this: If we sell the house by then, sure.

Last year, when we moved in, we had high hopes and opinions of the owners and previous renteres who all happen to be related.  Our move in here was extremely difficult and we felt lied to by the previous renters for not telling us the whole story about this house.  Over and over again they said, "It takes a special family to live here." I didn't know what they meant until about a month after we moved in and there were bugs EVERYWHERE (inside, like our beds and furniture) and bees were getting in somehow daily and then the winter....To top all that off we were told we weren't to use the brand new snow plow that was sitting up here or the riding lawn mower.  WTF people.  

And NOW we are dealing with the owners who seem to be wishy-washy, underhanded and the type of people who are generally money hungry.  That's only one side, I'm sure.  But it's all I can say way over here in Idaho.  

All I have to say is: Actually, that's not appropriate 

Well, those are some of the highlights!  Perhaps I will elaborate more in the days to come.  

Another Day in the Sexy Family

Mr. Sexy had his much anticipated appointment with a sleep doctor yesterday.  We heard he is absolutely amazing and highly recommended which is awesome because Mr. Sexy hasn't had a decent night's sleep in almost 15 years now.  However, this appointment is not the highlight of my story today.

We recently bought a beater truck from a friend.  Michael LOVES driving it to school every day with Mr. Sexy and it's been a great commuter vehicle.

Of course, the Sexy family can't go too long without car trouble. 

I knew trouble was brewing when I received this text:

Having issues with the truck. Yay!

And then half an hour went by and I was still waiting to hear that he was headed to pick up some baked beans to go with dinner.

Then I get this text:

Another dinner option might be a good idea.

"Another dinner option" meant driving into town to pick him up and take him home.  But what a great excuse to go to one of our new favorite Mexican restaurants!  There also happened to be a 2 for 1 burrito special AND an amazing beer special.

So as I was driving into town I kept chanting (AND believing): I'm not worried.  God's got this handled.  He hasn't let us down yet. 

Good food.  Good beer.  Then a phone call.

Our friends have been trying to get Mr. Sexy and I to become part of the community theatre board.  Last night was their annual meeting and while we were invited a few weeks ago, I immediately declined.  We just have too much going on!  We are now moving, and quickly.  Mr. Sexy works two jobs and we are lucky to have a family dinner together.  I'm always stressed out about one thing or another.  And of course, now we are (again) having car troubles.

You see, we both talk about wanting to be involved in the community.  However, getting past our excuses is a different conversation.

But after my very large beer I was all for attending the meeting.  Apparently they just needed two more bodies so they could vote on a few issues.  Sure!  Mr. Sexy and I can vote about things we probably know a little bit about.

The meeting was boring and I wished I brought some beer with me.  But that might have been tacky.

However, I could see Mr. Sexy getting excited as I watched his brain work, already brimming with ideas to improve our local theatre program.  Our friends have been nudging him to take the Vice President position that became open officially as of last night, but of course we continually stepped back from the idea.  As I stated previously, we just have too much going on.

But peer pressure tends to win out for me.

So I nudged Mr. Sexy and told him he should do it.  He questioned whether he "should" for my sake, but really, it was only out of courtesy.  He really REALLY wanted to do this.  So I said, "Whatever.  Just do it!"

And now it's done.  Mr. Sexy is Vice President of our community theatre board.

So weird.

We had hopes that after the two hour meeting our truck would magically start and we would understand why it broke down.  But, no such luck. "Perhaps there is more to the story," was Mr. Sexy's reaction.

We got home close to ten last night.  Every was so tired.  And now this morning, I'm still tired, and Mr. Sexy didn't leave me enough coffee.

I wonder what adventure today will bring...

My 3-Day Vaca

If money were no factor, and I had a three-day vacation to plan.... hmmmm.....

I wouldn't be camping that's for sure!

And do the kids have to come?  I vote they don't....

With that said:

Leavenworth, Washington is my choice.  With just me and Mr. Sexy.

Leavenworth is only about a 4-hour drive from home.  I really don't know much about it except it's cute, quaint and beautiful.  They are busy with tourists all year.  

It's also romantic. 

How do I know this? 

Let's just say I need to recreate some memories with Mr. Sexy. 

While Mr. Sexy helped plan my first trip to Leavenworth, he wasn't the boy who took me.  Nope.  That was the guy I dated before him.  The guy who actually introduced me to Mr. Sexy.

So now I know that Leavenworth is incredibly romantic - I even know where I want to stay.  

Maybe we can go for our three-year anniversary (July 23)?  Oh yeah, I almost forgot - not.  We will be about to move!   Yeah! 

Linking up with Les at Time Out For Mom.

T is for Timothy: My Journey Through Parenthood

T is for Timothy.

Timothy James.

Timothy James Sexy.  ::wink wink::

Timothy James is the name of our next kid.  And he's going to be a boy.  Because I say so.

No, I'm not pregnant.  We are barely thinking about the idea.  But wouldn't this have been a great reveal?  Now I'm sad that I'm not pregnant.

NOT

I'm okay waiting a little longer and see where things are at.  God has been hard at work on our family.  Some days I think we are crazy for considering the idea of a future with more children.  Then there are days where it gets to a point that one or two more is just a party!

Our family plan: 
-Get pregnant sometime in the future.
-Foster
-Adopt
-Kids grow up
-Kids move out
-Parents party in Hawaii

I had a family plan when I was 8:
-Meet and marry Prince Charming (who looked a lot like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid)
-Have 2 kids
-Get a dog
-Live in a big, beautiful house
-Have lots of money so I could buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted
**I will not be poor

That last thing was very important to my little girl mind.  Guess what.  I'm poor! lol

Plans change and that's okay.  As I grew older I realized there was a very real possibility of being poor which scared me.  It was immaturity on my part as there is so much more to life than having the big house, nice clothes, new shoes and expensive wine.

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Q is for Quitting: My Journey Through Parenthood

Q is for Quitting.

There was a time, not very long ago, when I told Mr. Sexy I was done.  I wanted to quit.

What does that mean? he asked.

I have no blazing clue, was my response.

The daily struggles of life had become too much and I hit a wall.  A brick wall.  And it was very high.  Everything that encompassed who I am, felt dried up.  I felt empty.  I had nothing left to offer.  I just wanted to be done.

I was exhausted from feeling angry every day.  I was tired of feeling unloved and undesired.  I was burnt out from putting so much energy into trying to understand down syndrome.  Daily I was beating myself up because as a step-parent and therefore, as a parent, I was blowing it.  My heart ached and there was no outlet that would satisfy.

So I wanted  to quit.  I fantasized about running away. I thought about becoming a drunk, too.  I could do it and I wouldn't even remember Mr. Sexy leaving me and taking all the kids.

These ideas I just described to you were extremely short lived.  They were fleeting moments of insanity that came and went.  This is how Satan works, though.  Small, swift pokes.  The minute I give the poke some clout, it turns into something bigger.  Like a nudge.  And then, what were fleeting moments of insanity, starts to become my reality.  I have seen this happen in my life before, and I wasn't going to let it happen again.

That's why I had to tell Mr. Sexy I wanted to quit.

As you can see, I have not quit.  I'm not even sure how I came out of the dark place.  Prayer, I'm sure, although not by me.  I don't talk to God well when I'm in the dark place.  So I'm thankful to those who did pray for me because those people, whoever they are, helped keep my family together.

I don't feel like quitting anymore.  I don't want to become a drunk and I definitely want to keep Mr. Sexy and ALL of my kids around.  At least for a few more years. ::wink wink::

It's my opinion that being honest about life is really important.  I don't like it when I put up a facade whether it's on facebook, at church, my blog or hanging out with my friends.  But it's hard to be honest about the dark place.  It is scary to hear about it from a friend.  It's even scarier to admit when you're in the dark place.

The thing is that we need each other.  None of us are immune to the dark place.  There will be some who call me rude names because I admit my deepest struggles.  Then there will be those, like my prayer warriors and Mr. Sexy, who do all they can to respond in love even though they can't understand the struggle.

Wow.  This was deep for the day before Easter!

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Mommy, Mrs. Sexy then Me: My Journey Through Parenthood

M is for Mommy, Mrs. Sexy then Me.

Isn't that the way it seems to go a lot of the time?

Mommy tends to come first.  Just this morning I was so proud for hearing my alarm at 6 am - even though I didn't actually get out of bed until 6:33 am.  With my 6 am alarm came the happy gabbing of Miss Denai.  It's great that she was happy and remained happy until Mr. Sexy got her up and dressed.  It wasn't so great that she was up so early on the same day I managed to get up early too!  Maybe she has a nanny cam hidden in my room somewhere....that must be why she leaves her toys all over my floor.

Then Mrs. Sexy needs to make an appearance.  Does she always?  Mr. Sexy will laugh and say no.  Why the laugh?  Because I try.  And when I try, well, it's more of a comedy show then an enticement for ::wink wink::  More often than not I feel anything but sexy.  Ironically, it's on those days that Mr. Sexy comes home and immediately wraps himself around me and showers me with kisses.  Sweaty pits, greasy hair and dish soap.  He's great isn't he?

At the end of the day I usually try to find Me.  Lately we have been calling it: brain rest.  Mr. Sexy has been telling me I need it.  Apparently we live stressful lives and our brains tend to get overloaded because of it.  In an effort to find Me I like to go on walks now that the weather is nice.  It has really been a wonderful new little tradition that we have started.  I don't always find Me, though.  After being Mommy then Mrs. Sexy sometimes I don't have room for Me.  Mr. Sexy can sometimes see this which is when he orders me into the bedroom for a foot rub and a glass of wine.  Falling asleep to that is pretty amazing.

If you're a Mommy or a Mrs. how do you find your Me time? 

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Feelings: My Journey Through Parenthood

F is for Feelings.

There are 5 hearts in my family, each attached with 5 different sets of feelings.  How in the world is that supposed to work?!

I wish that I could just go with the flow of my feelings.  I wish I could believe the naive thoughts that the phrase "go with how your heart feels" is always good advice.  I wish that my feelings told me truths  all the time.

The truth is that how I feel does not necessarily depict a truth.

Here's a hard-to-share-example:

I feel like I can't stand Marie.  In the past I have gone so far as to voice that I feel like I hate her.  Then I met a group of people who, after hearing me speak about her, would say, "Wow, I can see you really love her."  Say what?!  That was not how I was feeling at all!  What I felt was the opposite of love!  I kept meeting with this same group of people and they told me these things over and over again.

Eventually I saw the truths behind their words.  If I stop to think about my frustrations with Marie I realize it comes from a place of caring about her.  Now that I know that about myself I can stop feeling hatred and start learning to love and hopefully one day I can honestly say I feel that love.

I heard once that feelings don't always come first.  Actions do.  So if I make the daily choice, scratch that, the moment-by-moment choice, to show an action of love, the idea would be that the feeling will follow eventually.

Mr. Sexy uses this philosophy on me all the time.  I'm not alway easy to love.  Sometimes what Mr. Sexy feels like doing is punching a car window or taking off for a drive or yelling at me so I can see how pissed he is.  But he's not the man he used to be.  Instead he puts aside his feelings and does something that shows me love.  Over and over and over again he does this.

The result:  It works.  And although healthy changes in our family feel very slow, the fact is there are changes.  My friends and family may not see them.  I may not always even see them.  But change is happening.

As I am learning that my feelings are not absolute truths, Michael is learning that same lesson.  I cannot describe how humbling it is to be learning a concept alongside my six-year old son.  So many times he has watched me white knuckle the steering wheel, breathing big, deep breaths while angry tears streamed down my face because my feelings were giving me untruths and I had to fight that.

I'm definitely not perfect in how I handle all my feelings.  I made mistakes yesterday and today and I will make more tomorrow.

But here's the truth: A feeling is just a feeling and not rooted in absolute truth.  For absolute truth I will need to turn to my Bible.  And that is where I will learn how to love.

Christmas, 2013

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Disciplined Date Night: My Journey Through Parenthood

D is for Disciplined Date Night.

Birthday Date Night

I think it goes without saying that it takes a substantial amount of discipline to keep up on date night - especially with a new baby.  Mr. Sexy and I had a regular date night while dating which lasted into pregnancy with Denai.  Friday night date night.  But life happened and  then a baby happened and then it was Valentine's Day, 2014.  I wanted Mr. Sexy to take me to dinner.  I didn't care where.  I didn't care how long the wait would be.  I just wanted out of the house in pretty clothes and makeup with no kids around.  He didn't get the memo that going out was so important to me so when I realized he was making me a candlelit dinner while the kids watched movies downstairs, I cried.

I know how spoiled I sound.  I know how spoiled I am!

There is nothing wrong with an in home date night.  We have them all the time.  And that's where I was frustrated.  I wanted a server to bring me a glass of wine.  I wanted to sit and hold hands with my husband while someone else cooked our meal.  I wanted to walk away after eating and let someone else do the dishes. (Not that I did any dishes on V-Day, I didn't even want Mr. Sexy to have to do them.) V-Day ended up being an off night because I wasn't able to communicate with my husband about my feelings.

Date night takes discipline and it's important for us to make sure it happens.  Our date nights aren't as regular as they used to be but we are working on it.



Speaking of discipline...

Christmas, 2013

Disciplining my kids is a tiresome, never ending job. I mentioned on Day C that Michael throws tantrums at age 6.  I'm not sure if that's normal but in our family, it is.  There are reasons for that.  His world is constantly in flux being shipped off between homes.  His dad doesn't communicate with me well so it's hard to make transitions smooth for Michael.  However, just because life sucks (like it does for everybody at one time or another) doesn't mean he gets to behave however he wants.

We are very strict with both the kids for different reasons.  Michael likes to see what he can get away
with and is learning to be very manipulative - particularly with me.  Marie needs strict guidelines in large part because of her disability.  Disciplining her, for the most part, is pretty cut and dry.  She doesn't currently throw huge fits or tantrums or even talk back.  Michael is a much different story.  He's highly emotional and very sensitive.  He also seems to be becoming increasingly dependent - particularly on me.  Below are some of our techniques that we learned from Parenting with Love and Logic.

Deep breaths and counting: When he is too wound up I tell him to be still, take deep breaths and count to 5.  Oh my gosh.  This has become a wonderful tool.  Sometimes he finishes but his eyes are still red and puffy and his voice is still on the verge of a tantrum.  So I say, "again."  He doesn't always willingly comply which brings me to my next tool:

Choices: You can count to 5 and take deep breaths or you can quietly go to your room and take a nap.  Giving Michael the ability to make his own choices has been awesome.  Which veggie would you like to eat?  Carrots or broccoli?  Which consequence should you have?  A time out or a nap?  The trick is to make sure I give him choices that I can live with.  If a time-out isn't a good enough consequence then that shouldn't be an option for him to choose.

Push-Ups: This was a consequence he chose due to his consistently rude behavior.  Every time he was rude, no matter when or where, he gives 5 push-ups.  We don't use this one as much these days.

There are so many unique ways to discipline.  I'm always open for new ideas!

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Fighting With A Sexy Man

"Marie!  Come upstairs and do the dishwasher!" I yelled down the stairs.

From Denai's bedroom, "Babe, can you talk a littler nicer?"

How the hell do you sound nice when you're yelling down the stairs? 

"I wasn't being mean!" I hollered back to Mr. Sexy.  

"Was I being mean?" I obnoxiously asked Marie as she came up the top step.  She smiled bashfully and shook her head no. 

"See?" I called playfully down the hall.  "She didn't think I was being mean at all!" 

The sun was shining and the house was smelling good because we were getting lots of chores done AND Mr. Sexy and I had cuddle time during two whole episodes of one of our favorite shows: Parenthood. 

I went into the kitchen with my cleaner and Mr. Sexy was behind me.  I playfully threatened to spray him if he didn't get out of my way.  

"Don't spray my shirt!  Bleach will ruin it!"  He was serious.  But I wasn't.  And he didn't move.  So I sprayed.  Just a tiny spray and not even really at his shirt.  It more went into the air then anythinge else.  At that point I saw his face officially change into his seriously mad face and he walked away.  

Wonderful. 

The fight had started.  

Mr. Sexy and I don't fight often.  And when we do it's not usually the yelling and slamming doors kind of fight.  I would say our fights are pretty intense though.  The house gets quiet and the tension is painful.  Conversations are hard but eventually they happen and we work through our difficulties.  A lot of times, for me, this process takes a few days.

At first I wasn't sure what our fight was about - which isn't a great place to be in.  While Mr. Sexy was fuming I was still feeling happy in all the sunlight and clean floors and clorox smelling toilets.  But I had to break the silence and ask what he was so mad about.  Things like spraying him with cleaner (not that this happens often) doesn't typically upset him other than in a playful way. 

The answer I received was far more intense than I was prepared to receive.  

I went through my own set of emotions.  First I was hurt and I actually felt wronged by him.  Then I felt guilty.  Then I was angry too!  

It took a few days for us to work through our feelings together and to remind each other (and ourselves) that above all else we love each other.  Even if we both think we are right about how to store avocados.  (in the fridge or on the counter?) 

All this to say: I hate fighting with my husband.  It's very difficult to be mad at him.  He is so darn cute!  Even when he is giving me his intense eyes.  

On the positive side, I like how Mr. Sexy and I have fights.  I like when we don't yell and we can go about our business until we are ready to dig in.  More than that, I'm glad that we don't hide from each other or the situation at hand.  The easier route is to tell the other person exactly what they want to hear.  I tell myself all the time that's the best idea to get out of the hot seat.  But it doesn't work partly because Mr. Sexy can see right through me.  

So, although our honesty is painful at times, the outcome is a stronger marriage.  

A Muddy Adventure and A Bedwetting Update

We bought a new truck. Isn't it spiffy? 

So it's not brand new off the car lot and shiny and smelling like that new car smell we all love.  The door handle may be broken and the steering wheel may be upside down but Mr. Sexy says it runs great.  It was in our price range (of very very cheap) and Mr. Sexy is good at fixing cars. And apparently, he's not a minivan type of guy.  I guess he prefers a jeep or truck.  Go figure.

Today was our first day of our new schedule of me sleeping in a bit and only leaving the house to pick Michael up from his half-day kindergarten.  I was REALLY excited for tomorrow when Mr. Sexy would be taking Michael to school and Michael would get to experience the joys of a stick shift for himself.

Well, as I was in the middle of making dinner, Mr. Sexy calls to tell me he got stuck.  On Rudd Road.  It's a back road that will take you to our house.  What am I saying.  EVERY road is a back road out here off the high way.  But Rudd is different.  I think I went on it once by accident and ended up backing out because it was too scary.  But Mr. Sexy is a boy.  And he likes to do boy things.  So he took his new toy out on the crazy road we will tell everybody NOT to take.  EVER.

And what do you know?  It got stuck in mud.

As Mr. Sexy was telling me this over the phone I saw that Denai had peed all over the kitchen floor (I was letting her butt air out and took it a bit too far).  The french toast was burning on the stove at that point and then I noticed the ground beef juices were all over the fridge because there was a hole in the bag.  This was all happening at the same time.  It was a crazy short period of time.

So after dinner and after our family hike around the property Mr. Sexy and Michael set off to get the truck unstuck.  Mr. Sexy didn't want to take Michael at first because it was quite a hike and already getting late.  But Michael was begging and begging and we are always trying to encourage him to want to do these kinds of things - like hiking, working on the cars with dad, riding bikes, running the dog crazy, all that boy stuff.  So off they went together.  I was a little nervous.  It was dark and I wanted both of them to have a good time.

Well, I think they did.  They came back exhausted having hiked to the truck and back again.  They also came back having a great bonding experience.  It may appear small tonight.  But as my two favorite boys go off together again and again it will turn into something great.  I'm really excited about their relationship.

So, my husband, in my sweet opinion, did a not very smart thinking by taking Rudd Road home  today.  BUT it's ok.  I wouldn't even change it.  My boys had an adventure tonight.  And I'm proud of both of them.

From our family hike after dinner.
He was all about running and climbing and jumping EVERYWHERE.

Bedwetting Update

Mr. Sexy and I are thinking Marie's bedwetting issues are directly connected to her bowels which was pointed out by her doctor about a month ago.  We had her on some medicine which made her have to poop ALL THE TIME and it got so bad she started having poop accidents at night!  Augh!  So we quit with the meds.  And she was dry.  Every night.  She was dry.  WOOOOO!!!!

Then we weren't so on top of making sure she pooped every day.  Things got stressful with her getting up at night and now she can't leave her room at night.  She has been peeing her bed.  

Last night, however, we put her in the bathroom for like an hour and she POOPED.  AND her bed was dry this morning. 

So tonight, we stuck her in the bathroom for like an hour (maybe not that long) and she POOPED!  Soo...fingers crossed????

5 Hearts: One Team

"Remember, we're a team, babe."

I forget that we're a team.  I forget that I don't fail alone.  I don't succeed alone.  WE fail.  WE succeed.

Since we have been together I have seen my struggles with Marie as just that.  MY struggles.  What I'm only beginning to see after all this time is that my struggles are his struggles too.  I have never really allowed myself to lean on him.  I have leaned on others, of course.  For the most part I have scared those people away.

Something has been clicking lately, though.  Maybe it's because we moved into a house in the woods with little distractions.  Maybe it's having Mr. Sexy home for dinner every night.  Maybe it's homeschooling Marie and seeing how the public school system has failed her.

In some ways I lean on Mr. Sexy in a way that is unfair.  There are thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have that are hurtful toward Mr. Sexy as her daddy.  She and him have a heart connection.  They have "the fluffy's" that I don't yet share with Marie.  Perhaps I never will which is a very realistic possibility.  Yet we all still need to live together, respect each other and care for each other.  Even if we don't all have a love connection .

The love connection, for me, took a few weeks into Michael's life for me to find.  I had spent my entire pregnancy regretting mistakes and feeling embarrassed.  So when baby arrived he didn't feel like mine.  At first.  But the love connection happened.  It grew and grew and grew.  With Denai the love connection was immediate.  I had a wonderful pregnancy full of excitement and hope so when she was born I was enthralled to hold her in my arms and call her MINE.

Marie is different for obvious reasons.  I didn't give birth to her.  I didn't grow her in my body.  I wasn't there to see her take her first steps or learn her first words.  I wasn't there to teach her how to go to the bathroom or how to behave when wearing a skirt.  I showed up when those skills were already being taught if not already engrained in her mind.  I never had the chance to allow a love connection.  I have tried to force it which was never fun.  Even if our impromptu dance party appeared fun by smiles and laughter I knew I was forcing my arms to swing back and forth and for the smiles and laughter to come out.

Yesterday was a failure.   After watching the video footage from that night I saw that she spent twenty minutes in the den.  I couldn't see what she was doing but I could guess after seeing remnants of eaten crayons in Marie's bed.  This made me mad.  Very mad.  I did not respond in a loving manner.  I responded based on how I felt.  Thus, I failed.  We failed.

I do believe that we each should take personal responsibility for our actions and that one day we will all be held accountable.  When I make a mistake I should take responsibility and not blame something or someone else.

At the same time, a family is one unit.  We are not alone in that unit.  We celebrate together, we lift each other up and we work together to grow and be closer.  So as we all make mistakes and say mean things to each other, I would say that constitues as a failure.  As we enjoy time together playing games, I would constitue that as success.  So as a family we should be lifting each other up through the good and the bad.  It's not just my job to make good choices.  It's Marie's job too.  And Michael's.  And Mr. Sexy's.  And one day very soon Denai will be joined in the mix.

"I'm sorry we failed."

It felt weird to say that yesterday.  I knew he wasn't the one who got angry at Marie.  He wasn't the one who ate the crayons and tried to hide it.  But he is part of this family.  And we are a unit.

We fail together.  We succeed together.

It's a Wonderful Marriage

The green beans are sizzling in butter and I'm worried it's too much when I feel the brush of his lips against my neck.  It tickles like crazy but as I try to squirm away his arms wrap around my waist holding me still.  There is no getting out of this one and he sings a love song in my ear.

That's my husband.  That's Mr. Sexy.  He is damn fine.  Hehehe.  But more than that.  In so many ways he is the glue keeping our family intact.  Every day he works hard for us and has a minimal amount of time to just sit and rest.  I don't know how he stays sane. 

I enjoy marriage.  I love marriage.  I'm incredibly happy to be married and I revel in the fact that being together feels like a mere chance of paths crossed.  But it wasn't a chance at all.  It was a well planned meeting full of twists and turns and big surprises as we have fallen more in love these past 3 years. 

I like to paint a pretty picture on my marriage.  It's easy to do.  Yeah, life has been rocky and not just in the first year.  It's rocky still.  Our foundation has kept us stable through everything and I love to share that with other people.  

I have a husband who enjoys pleasing me so much.  I have a husband who puts every member of our family before himself.  Daily.  My husband actively engages in the hearts of our kids - and in the heart the woman he loves.  Oh!  I think that's me!  

So you see?  I have so much to share about how wonderful marriage is!  

However it's not perfect.  Nope.  Not even a little bit. 

Last week I had his phone while he was at his play rehearsal.  I'm snoopy so it's a given I checked his facebook and email for him.  Nothing interesting on facebook...then I saw the top email in his inbox. 

 Progressive Insurance.  Overdue.  Large balance.  Coverage terminated. 

My heart beat a little quicker and a knot started to form in my stomach.  He did it again.  He lied to me.  I was hurt and disappointed.  And angry, too.  

For some reason he was continuing to make financial decisions without my involvement.  I have told him over and over again I just want to know what his decisions were so I wouldn't be blindsided when I see this stuff on my own.  I knew texting him in my anger wasn't the right answer.  So I did it anyways.  

I didn't expect him to be so apologetic.  I didn't expect him to be so understanding of my feelings.  This is why I call him amazing.  He told me he would do better with involving me in our finances.  Of course, I had heard that line from him many times.  He reiterated it to me when he got home that night.  

He still isn't used to having a partner to make decisions with.  He had been making money decisions by himself since...his first marriage, I guess.  Voldemort wanted no part in the finances at all.  But that's not what I wanted for our marriage.  I wanted him to be able to make our financial decisions because he really is better at it.  I simply wanted to be kept in the loop.  Yet continually I was left in the dark. 

This battle is not new and I have my fault in it as well.  Our money situation tends to bring out the Captain Morgan in me.  But since our last conversation Mr. Sexy has already made a few moves to include me on financial choices.  In fact just last night we went through our budget.  It took less than 5 minutes.  No stress.  No wine.  No fuss.  

It's a struggle for him to remember that I want to be aware of what our money looks like.  It's a struggle for me to see our checking account because usually we are dangerously close to ground zero.  

I still love being married.  And I love being married to Mr. Sexy.  Even when I'm pissed at him I still love him and crave his hugs and kisses.  I find that so frustrating!  Sometimes I just want to be mad and revel in that for a bit.  I can't be the only one that is so silly!  But somehow I can't stop loving him no matter how much he tries to cuddle with me at night while he is snoring like a gorilla .... Do gorillas snore? 

5MF: Am I Willing

Willing.

Am I willing...
To sit and be still and alone with my thoughts.
To stand before Jesus and tell him my failures.
Oh wait, he already knows those.

Am I willing...
To contine fighting the Good fight.
The battle that rages war in my soul.
The battle where sometimes I come out on top.
Other times, not so much.

Am I willing...
To love with passion
To love without fear
To love no matter what happens.

Am I willing...
To forgive
Over and over and over
To forgive
To let go
To relax my expectations
of you, of me.

Am I willing...
To say Jesus you are my everything
and actually mean it
To scream to Him
instead of hurting those around me
I know He can take it
It's why He died for me.

Am I willing...

Linking up with Lisa-Jo

 

Writing on the Mirror: Wordless Wednesday

Better Together

I have been at a total standstill with writing for a while now.  Every time I sit down to write it' not coming out how I want.  I've been stuck.  Not just with writing, though.  I've been feeling stuck emotionally.  Overwhelmed may be a better word for it.

Valentine's Day/Weekend is probably a great example.

I always always always am looking forward to the holidays that involve me getting pampered by my very romantic Mr. Sexy.  This year, however, my birthday was overlooked by me. (yeah, my birthday is a holiday)  Mr. Sexy was the one who kept reminding me my Big Day was coming.  He had really fun plans for us but then I wasn't feeling well.

Valentine's Day was no different.

On Friday I was actually feeling excitement for what Mr. Sexy had planned for us.  He always plans something amazing and seems to enjoy how his plans always change last minute and always has great stories for me about it.  Well, no offense to him whatsoever, but Friday started off not that great.  I pretty much spent a lot of the day feeling sorry for myself as my facebook wall was covered with girls posting pictures of flowers and sweet gifts.  I hadn't received any flowers or chocolates; not even a love note.  I was sad.  I knew Mr. Sexy had plans for us that evening; but I still felt disappointed.

From early last week.

Looking back I believe my emotions were completely out of whack.  Even as I was going through them I knew I was being silly because Mr. Sexy does wonderfully romantic things for me all the time.  I get flowers from him just because he feels like it (providing we have money in the bank ;p).


So when I picked him up from work after driving for half an hour with Miss Denai crying because she hates driving as much as we sometimes do, I nearly broke into tears when he pulled a bouquet of one dozen roses out of the trunk.  They smelled wonderful.  Once again, my emotions were overwhelming - this time in a more positive direction.

That's when I started pressing him to find out what our definitive plans were for the night.  He really likes the surprise and prides himself on knowing me well enough to cater our plans to what I will truly enjoy.  And that, my friends, is why his plans are ever-changing.  He is always right, too.  Valentine's Day was no exception.

He did finally reveal that we would be having a romantic dinner at home.

I shut down.  The disappointment was overwhelming and I didn't know how to tell him.  He did tell me he tried to find a sitter... but that didn't matter to me.  What mattered was that our house, for me, during this time, was not a romantic place, much less a place I wanted to spend what was supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.  (a cliche, I know)

We got home and I followed my directions: Go in the house, take a sharp left into the bedroom and stay there, relaxing with my flowers until Mr. Sexy comes to get me.

I spent all my relaxing time feeling stressed, tense, disappointed and sad.  To sum it all up: Emotionally overwhelmed.        

I knew I was being disgustingly ridiculous. While I was sipping a glass of merlot, watching Grey's Anatomy reruns and holding my roses, Mr. Sexy was cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, putting Denai to bed which took an entire hour, setting up a romantic scene for us and keeping the other two kids downstairs and entertained with dinner, a movie and sleeping bags.

I could see Mr. Sexy's disappointment when he came to get me for dinner.  Instead of getting dressed up like he wanted me to, I was still wearing my fuzzy pink bathrobe.

The candles and set up were replicated from his proposal.

Yup.  I was definitely acting like a spoiled brat.

Everything he had done was amazing and I felt incredibly guilty for not being able to appreciate it.

 What I wanted was to be taken out on the town.  I wanted to be dressed up in heels and a cute little dress so Mr. Sexy could "show me off."  I wanted a chef cooking my meal so then Mr. Sexy and I could spend that time holding hands and smiling at each other instead of being in two separate rooms for two hours.  I knew restaurant lines would have been horrendous but that's part of the gig.  I would have enjoyed holding hands and walking around the mall waiting for our dinner time to get closer and closer.  No kids, not even a tiny cute one.  Just him and me.  This is all I was thinking as I sat down to my romantic candlelit dinner.

He knew something was wrong by my puffy face, my pink bathrobe and just by my demeanor.

It's times like these where I see our marriage at work.  We did think about simply getting drunk that night.  But that's now what either of us wanted.  We knew there was something wrong and we needed to work through it.  So we did.  And it was intense.  I still don't think he completely understands why I was as upset as I was.

And honestly, neither do I.  The evening he had planned encompassed so many things we both love: Candlelit dinner, dancing and one of my favorite romantic movies (that last one isn't a fav of his).

I'm proud of us for getting through our Valentine's evening, as messy as it was.  Once everything was out in the open I finally felt the weight of my depression lift and I was able to move past barriers.

My husband is amazing.  I think I really hurt his feelings.  He showed it a little bit but not as much as he could have.  That's where silence comes into play.  He allowed me to express myself to the fullest, yet he kept himself in check.  He didn't flip out on me.  He didn't yell at me, call me mean names, head off to bed without me or bring out the liquor.  Instead he sat next to me and listened to me cry, talk, then cry some more.  I saw his sadness over and over again which didn't help me feel better.

What did help me feel better was his arm around my shoulders.  Him whispering in my ear, Even though I don't understand what you're going through, I love you more and more every day.  And finally, when I thought he was turning the romantic music off, he changed the tempo and we had a lot of fun swing dancing to some our favorite songs.  We finished the night with dinner, dessert and The Notebook in front of the fireplace.

My Valentine's Day card. 

Even though I don't understand what you're going through, I love you more and more every day.

In these moments he takes my breath away and I know how truly loved I am.