I Home School

I'm homeschooling.

There are handfuls of people who probably think I shouldn't be homeschooling. I don't know this for a fact as no one has said this directly to me. But I have heard some things.  I also sense the ideas in questions I receive when I talk about Marie.

Those concerns, questions and opinions are battles for me.

Simply going to church is a battle.  Everywhere my family goes there are concerns, questions and opinions.  When these things are brought to my attention, my defenses shoot up high and fast.  This makes me difficult to talk to. I have answers for most questions and concerns that come my way because it all gets repeated.  New town, same story. And that's okay because God is alive in our home.

I don't think I have made it clear how much homeschooling has lessened stress for me at home.

When Marie was in public school, the bus picked her up and dropped her off.  I woke up early to get her showered, dressed and fed. Mornings were the worst for us. I tried many ways to encourage her to pick up the pace and get things done so she would be on time. Lists, pictures, nagging, doing it all for her.  S-T-R-E-S-S

But then I had the entire day to myself. Wooo!!!! Yet by the time 3:30 would roll around I could feel the stress of what was to come creep up on me. What was it going to be today?  Did she eat her lunch on the bus? Did she sneak some nail polish on the bus and eat that instead? Did she pull her hair out of her nice up-do again? What about her "friends?" Did she kick anybody today? Was she disruptive in the classroom again? Are the buttons ripped off her new shirt? There was just about always something that would be wrong. Some of it was minor, as you can see.  But other times it wasn't so small.

After she got home there was a rush of things for me to deal with. Her appearance (torn clothing ect.), the report of her day, finding things in her backpack that aren't supposed to be there, looking at the homework hoping she would understand it.

Between getting home from school and bedtime there was a very small window to deal with what happened in her day, to get her homework done and to eat dinner and go to bed on time.  Forget playing.

S-T-R-E-S-S

Now we home school. It's not perfect.  It's not stress free, by any means. But it's working for us.

We get up leisurely now. Our schooling doesn't have a definitive start and end point.  For instance, this morning she is going to be starting an hour and a half late because I have had a rough morning. There are some days where we don't get to school at all. Don't worry, that doesn't happen often.

Homeschooling is helping to improve my relationship with Marie.  That seems backwards, even to me. While we have our really bad days, we also have good days.  This morning, with Denai sitting on my lap, I asked Marie to refill my coffee cup. That's progress. It's progress for her brain and it's progress in our relationship. When I ask her to do something that is for me, (it's almost a selfish thing) it's a small way that I show I'm willing to accept her and what she has to offer in my life.

While the stress from her public school days are gone, there is still stress being home all day together. She finds things to eat when she feels she won't be caught. (She will actually get up and look through stuff to find something.) If I leave the room, she likes to behave inappropriately - which is really irritating. She struggles with the most basic schooling concepts and I just want her to GET IT. She takes a really long time to learn.

Ultimately, that is why I home school. She takes a really long time to learn.

In math I have spent an entire math working with her on 1 + 0 = 1. I have learned that she learns well visually.  So we use blocks on the carpet to visually see that a number plus nothing equals that same number in the number sentence.  It's hard for her to understand which is frustrating to me because I don't see how it's a difficult concept.  However, she's starting to get it.  Slowly.

So, I home school. It's the right decision for us right now.

Homeschool Thoughts

I'm taking the advice from this post and writing in response to today's post from Tales of a Pee Dee Momma.

I'm really unhappy with the public school system.  This semester we did a homeschool program through Connections Academy and Marie worked through an alternative program called Odyssy.  Getting in the groove of things was difficult.

For instance:  One of our criteria is 4 hours in the Compass program (Odyssy), one hour in each subject.  Well, Marie did each lesson but it only took like 15 minutes because it's basically a little movie with a 10-question quiz to go with it.  The first weeks I was getting emails because she wasn't spending any time in this program.  UMMMMM

Not only was she spending time in the program in each subject, but I was supplementing like crazy to make sure we spent one full hour in each subject.  Since Connections Academy doesn't have extra resources (like worksheets or a list of reading materials) I spent hours trying to find stuff on my own.  FINALLY Michael's kindergarden teacher introduced me to teachers pay teachers.  This site has been amazing for me and I have been able to find lots of great stuff for free easily.

Currently, Marie is sitting across from me doing her end of year standardized tests.  It just makes me laugh.  It would be easier for both of us if I just went through and clicked answer (A) for each question.   She doesn't understand a single question in large part because it's confusing.  She is working on first and second grade stuff people.  She is nowhere near what these tests are testing her on.

So now, Mr. Sexy's ideas for next year are starting to take root in my own mind.  His ideas make me nervous, but if we can do it well and not get lazy, it could be really great.

According to Idaho law, we can take Marie (or any of our children) out of school and homeschool them without being under any kind of institution such as Connections Academy.  As long as we are teaching and they are learning, it's all good.  However, if we aren't teaching at home, we can get into trouble.  HOWEVER they have to prove that we aren't teaching - which would be difficult I would think.

To me, this sounds loopy.  I feel weird about it.

Then I look over at Marie's standardized test she has been working on for an hour and know most answers will get a red x when she's all done.

Hmmmm....

What I want from homeschool:

• Her mind to be active.
• Teaching her where she's at. 
• A large emphasis on life skills such as proper teeth brushing, vacuuming and making breakfast. 
• Giving her the time she needs to get her task completed.

What I'm getting from our current homeschool program: 

• Her mind is active.
• At home I can bring it all to her level.  In her live lessons, I see that concepts go over her head.
• A large emphasis on the academics. 
• In her live lessons, if she doesn't get it, things simply move on and I can see that sometimes her teacher just wants an answer.  Any answer.  Any grade.  Just something to put in the grade book. 

I hate the grade book for Marie.  She doesn't understand the point nor does she care.  Neither do I, for that matter.  The only grades that go in her "grade book" currently are when they are "good" grades.  And honestly, it takes a long time for Marie to get a good grade on any quiz.

This summer we are planning to experiment with our own homeschool curriculum.  As I look around at other homeschool moms, it looks like many others do the same thing.  Am I right about this or am I missing something?  

I Do What I Want

I'm trying something new these days: I'm doing what I feel like doing.

Life is stressful.  It's more stressful than I tend to admit.  I am reminded of this when I meet new people and I hear comments like, "Wow, I can't believe you do all that!"  I'm not trying to toot my own horn here (as much as I like to do that sort of thing) but I often downplay those kinds of comments.  I say stuff like, "Well, homeschooling Marie is pretty easy because what she's learning is so basic and we do it over and over and over again."  In reality, however, it's extremely difficult and my emotions play a large role in that.

I'll use our recent weekend as an example.

Second night kids roasted hot dogs and we adults had steak
and corn on the cob.  Uber yummy.

We went camping and it was fun!  When it came to sleeping through the night, Mr. Sexy and I were worried about Denai.  We knew Michael would sleep like a rock and assumed Marie would be too scared and cold to venture out of her tent to "explore" and scavenger for "snacks."

I used the word, assume.  Don't miss that.

Saturday morning arrived and I opened the trunk of our mini van to get out the breakfast goodies.  My heart started to pound through my chest, my hands felt clammy and my ears were burning.  Marie did, in fact, have it in her to go through the trouble of finding food even in 30 degree weather.  (It may not have been that cold but it was pretty darn cold at night!)  She ate 2 protein bars, 3 nutri-grain bars and our bag of hot dog buns.  All of these packages were sealed as of the night before.

She spent the entire morning sitting on her hands in a chair while the rest of us ate breakfast.  Then when we got home she wrote 100 sentences: I will not be sneaky.

Breakfast time.

It's now Wednesday and I'm still having trouble letting go of what happened camping.  I'm still reminded of the erasers, too.  I just don't understand it.  Not one little bit.  In my non-understanding I'm frustrated.  With the frustration I find anger.  And when I allow anger to be in control, the Sexy household isn't all that fun.

So like I said earlier, I'm practicing doing what I feel like doing.

Not in bad way, though.

For instance: Monday I decided should be a no school day so that's what we did.  I had two easy-to-reach goals which I accomplished.  Everything after was gravy.  Yesterday I didn't feel like spending 5 hours in the den trying to teach Marie about capitals and lowercase letters like I have been doing for months now.  So I didn't.  She performed her computer work and I let our school day end with that.

This concept of doing what I feel like doing isn't a long term solution to life problems and it won't work for everyone - at least, not all the time.  But for now it's helping me to relax during my day and realize that life isn't just about the accomplished tasks.  It's okay to take a break.  Maybe that's what I need in my days right now.

I'm linking up with My Sweet Peanut because it turns out I blogged about the topic:

Frustration 

Z is for Zig-Zag: My Journey Through Parenthood

Z is for Zig-Zag.

There is no cookie cutter model for parenting.  This annoys me.  I wish I could read one book, just one, and that one book would have all the answers for everybody.  This just wouldn't work.  God made everybody so annoyingly unique so that as we all connect to each other and start growing families, each family becomes annoyingly unique.  Okay, annoying may not be the right word because it's actually pretty amazing to think about.  Yet, annoying just might fit...sometimes?

Easter, 2014

Therefore, for our family, it's important that we be extremely flexible.  Roll with the punches.  Zig-Zag when we need to.  I have 3 kids and they are all so different.  The oldest has down syndrome and is home-schooled.  The middle (and oldest too) goes to public school in the town next door to ours.  The youngest is just turning into a toddler.  Each one has their own sets of needs and desires.  Each one has a beating heart that is yearning for love and affection from Mr. Sexy and I.

So when Michael has a school recital I have to relax a bit on the homeschool front.  When Denai isn't feeling well I have to drop everything and run to the doctor.  When Marie is having a bad day I have to allow her and I time and space to move past whatever happened.

This concept is difficult for me.  I like to have an orderly schedule, although you might not guess this if you could see how good not good I am at keeping my room clean.  Even a poop schedule is important to me.  However, this year it seems that every day, every week, every month, shit just happens.  We haven't had very many "normal" days.  Interestingly, Michael tends to be at his dad's house when "shit just happens."  I like to think that God is sparing his tender heart since he is already dealing with two sets of parents and two sets of sisters.

Oh well.  It's all okay.  I'm really learning to let go and accept the chaos that is my life.  Beer and rum help with that, I've got to be honest there!

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

V is for Victory!: My Journey Through Parenthood

V is for Victory!

I have been looking forward to this post all month.  Celebrating our victories, no matter how small and insignificant they seem, are worth a woopwoop! and a high five.  At the very least.  Frankly, acknowledging my small victories is what gives me a little more fight to continue on the journey of parenthood.

Learning to be Marie's parent has been a long, dark and twisty road.  It's still long but not as dark and twisty these days.  Thank you victories!  On the big bad days when my tongue was on fire and my hands didn't behave like the Mrs. Sexy God created, I felt wrought with guilt.  One of the things that kept me moving forward was the personal victory of a smile, an I'm sorry or the mere fact that I managed to make dinner that night.

 Celebrating the victories!, large and small, help every day.

Since homeschooling, I have one huge victory! that I want to share with you.  I'm incredibly proud of myself and Marie for our hard work and dedication.

When I became part of her life and started attending IEP meetings for the first time I was completely overwhelmed.  I said yes to every suggestion the teachers had because they knew better than I.  Time passed and I began to have an opinion.  One of my opinions was that Marie's handwriting sucked and needed improvement.  Her teachers agreed.  Then I started hearing, "I can't figure out how to make her write nicely." I heard this many times in a variety of ways.  Towards the end of Marie's 5th grade year her teacher pushed to focus more on typing skills and less on handwriting.  I wasn't happy about this but wasn't sure Marie was capable of decent handwriting.  I had never worked with her on it.  I just checked homework.  Aren't the teachers the ones to teach things like proper handwriting?

Enter me as the overbearing homeschooling mom who has high expectations no matter who you are.

Enter Marie who has not been held to high standards for a number of years.

Put us together and you have a girl who can write legibly, correctly and neatly.  This is a feat I had been told was impossible.

It really makes my blood boil when I think about it.

Teaching Marie how to write appropriately in the lines was (and is) laborious work.  At first we spent an entire hour attempting to write one letter correctly.  One letter.  But that's what it took for her to be where she is now in her writing.

Another thing I do that her teachers didn't do is I make her write correctly all the time.  Not just when we are practicing.  When she is doing math and her 4 (4s are hard) is below the line I make her erase it and write the 4 again.  When she is doing science and her words are all jumbled together I make her erase it and practice correct spacing and good penmanship.

The result: She is getting better daily and I even hear her whispering to herself, "Oh that's a bad 4.  I need to write that again."

What a victory!  I have so much pride in her handwriting.  

This is the A-Z blogging challenge so go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of all my A-Z posts.

Exhaustion: My Journey Through Parenthood

E is for Exhaustion.

This is my first semester being a homeschool mom.  Things have changed a lot since I was the home-schooled kid.  My mom was my teacher with answer keys and lesson plans.  Anything I learned, I learned from her.  Now things are different.  Thus, homeschooling is not what I expected.

In some ways it's easier.  Marie has a teacher so I don't have to to know all the answers (although I should at grade levels 1 and 2).  Her learning is all completely online.  Her time with teachers is via webcam every day.  So really, I don't have to lift a finger.

In other ways, it's a lot harder.  When I start something new I go all in and go a little crazy.  I typically spend a few hours every day creating my own worksheets for Marie to further help her understand the concepts being taught in the program.  On top of that I spend time teaching her these concepts as well.  My opinion is that an online course alone is not enough - particularly with Marie's disability.

This all leaves me feeling exhausted.  

I have been tired out by the kids before. But now it's even more so.  Sometimes, by the time Mr. Sexy gets home all I can do is hand off the baby and sit like a zombie while I watch a Grey's Anatomy re-run.  And the next day I choose to do it all over again.

Why?  Well, apparently I care about Marie, her education and her future.

This is the A-Z blogging challenge.  Go ahead and read the introduction and see a list of my other A-Z posts.

5 Hearts: One Team

"Remember, we're a team, babe."

I forget that we're a team.  I forget that I don't fail alone.  I don't succeed alone.  WE fail.  WE succeed.

Since we have been together I have seen my struggles with Marie as just that.  MY struggles.  What I'm only beginning to see after all this time is that my struggles are his struggles too.  I have never really allowed myself to lean on him.  I have leaned on others, of course.  For the most part I have scared those people away.

Something has been clicking lately, though.  Maybe it's because we moved into a house in the woods with little distractions.  Maybe it's having Mr. Sexy home for dinner every night.  Maybe it's homeschooling Marie and seeing how the public school system has failed her.

In some ways I lean on Mr. Sexy in a way that is unfair.  There are thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have that are hurtful toward Mr. Sexy as her daddy.  She and him have a heart connection.  They have "the fluffy's" that I don't yet share with Marie.  Perhaps I never will which is a very realistic possibility.  Yet we all still need to live together, respect each other and care for each other.  Even if we don't all have a love connection .

The love connection, for me, took a few weeks into Michael's life for me to find.  I had spent my entire pregnancy regretting mistakes and feeling embarrassed.  So when baby arrived he didn't feel like mine.  At first.  But the love connection happened.  It grew and grew and grew.  With Denai the love connection was immediate.  I had a wonderful pregnancy full of excitement and hope so when she was born I was enthralled to hold her in my arms and call her MINE.

Marie is different for obvious reasons.  I didn't give birth to her.  I didn't grow her in my body.  I wasn't there to see her take her first steps or learn her first words.  I wasn't there to teach her how to go to the bathroom or how to behave when wearing a skirt.  I showed up when those skills were already being taught if not already engrained in her mind.  I never had the chance to allow a love connection.  I have tried to force it which was never fun.  Even if our impromptu dance party appeared fun by smiles and laughter I knew I was forcing my arms to swing back and forth and for the smiles and laughter to come out.

Yesterday was a failure.   After watching the video footage from that night I saw that she spent twenty minutes in the den.  I couldn't see what she was doing but I could guess after seeing remnants of eaten crayons in Marie's bed.  This made me mad.  Very mad.  I did not respond in a loving manner.  I responded based on how I felt.  Thus, I failed.  We failed.

I do believe that we each should take personal responsibility for our actions and that one day we will all be held accountable.  When I make a mistake I should take responsibility and not blame something or someone else.

At the same time, a family is one unit.  We are not alone in that unit.  We celebrate together, we lift each other up and we work together to grow and be closer.  So as we all make mistakes and say mean things to each other, I would say that constitues as a failure.  As we enjoy time together playing games, I would constitue that as success.  So as a family we should be lifting each other up through the good and the bad.  It's not just my job to make good choices.  It's Marie's job too.  And Michael's.  And Mr. Sexy's.  And one day very soon Denai will be joined in the mix.

"I'm sorry we failed."

It felt weird to say that yesterday.  I knew he wasn't the one who got angry at Marie.  He wasn't the one who ate the crayons and tried to hide it.  But he is part of this family.  And we are a unit.

We fail together.  We succeed together.

Just Chattin

I came across a really wonderful blog post today (Lisa-Jo Baker) and I realized I was in the process of writing a blog post in her comment section!  So I sent in my comment and realized I have more to say about this topic!


God has called me to do the unthinkable: Homeschool my 12-year old step-daughter who has down syndrome.  I also have two other kids with aspirations of one or two more.  

My life is crazy and a lot of times incredibly overwhelming.  Some days I just need to have a good cry on my husband's shoulder - and the tears always start over something silly (like an American Idol song. No joke). Every day is full and every day I am being stretched far beyond a capacity that I thought possible.  

Insecurities tell me I am not good at homeschool and I do a poor job of being a mom.  But I just have to remember that's not truth.  And I tell myself: "I think that's not true.  Actually I'm pretty sure that's not true.  Honestly, there is now way that's true!" God put me here in this season for His purpose.  That's good enough for me. 


'Nuff said.  And actually I didn't touch this from copying it from my comment.  I guess I said all I needed to say...

She Got the Bronze!

Today I gave my kids love, time, patience and energy in a way that doesn't happen all too often.

My morning began with waking up late.  Then Michael threw up on our way to school.  Thankfully we had just dropped Mr. Sexy off at work so it was easy to turn around and get him cleaned up.  Then Michael barfed again on the ride home.  Fun.

Michael barfed 5 times by lunch.

After getting home that morning, cleaning up the mess, getting Michael situated on the couch and Denai down for a nap I could focus on Marie.  Turns out out internet wasn't working again so she wouldn't be able to work on her lessons or participate in her LiveLessons (webcam chat room/classroom deal).  Awesome.  Well, I'm no quitter and I devised my own lesson plan of sorts based on what she is currently learning in her online program.

It went swell.

Yes, swell.  It was interesting to see how little information she is retaining and how important patience is going to be in her lessons.  We sat for 45 minutes while she tried to answer the question, "What is different between this picture of the kitten and this picture of the cat?"  It was brutal.  And soooo boring!  I almost fell asleep.  No joke.  When it comes to coming up with her own ideas, Marie needs a lot more practice.

Less than an hour after Denai's nap I heard her screaming.  Awesome.  She really needed a solid nap.  Her eyes were puffy and red and she was covered in snot.  Great!  It turns out she grabbed ahold of a cold along with her crazy bad diaper rash which makes her cry every time we have to wipe her.  It's terribly sad to change her diaper these days.

So yes, what a day.  It's now just about 7:30pm and I'm SO READY FOR BED.  But not yet.  We fixed the internet for the first time today plus I have to watch at least part of American Idol with Mr. Sexy before I pass out.  Side note:  We have followed American Idol for years and this season is so far the best!  Woot woot!  Although Scotty McCreery's win was pretty phenomenal too...

Anyways.  I gave myself to each of my kids in a way that doesn't happen often.

Evan: Lots of TLC.  I rubbed his back every time he barfed and cleaned up mess after mess.  Poor kid.  I felt awful for him.  I served him fresh water, crackers and pedialyte popsicles.

Marie: I gave her time and attention that I normally don't.  We sat in the den, looking at each other, talking to each other, and hopefully at least one of us was learning something.

Denai: She needed me to coddle her for a bit.  I'm not a fan of coddling but every once in a while it's needed.

The most interesting outcome of today was Marie's change in demeanor.  When it was time to pick up Mr. Sexy from work she was all about announcing that she had her snow boots, hat, gloves, scarf AND a book to read for the car ride.  I ALWAYS tell her she needs her hat and gloves but she never grabs them when it's time to go!  And I haven't seen her initiate bringing a book in the car for a long time.  Reading in the car is good.  I used to get so much reading done there as a kid.

Another interesting element that came out of today is my sense of fulfillment.  I conquered!  The vomit, the alternative mini-school program and the extra sensitive Denai.  I didn't yell once, although I'm pretty sure I got angry over something stupid.  But hey, I'm no saint and we all know that!

I'm just feeling like a deserve a medal.  Probably a bronze though.  If I look on Pinterest I'll see what all the gold medalist mom's are doing for their kids who get sick and do school at home.  

Messy Space Messy Life

Someone once told me a messy living space (house, bedroom ect) is a sign of a messy heart.  In my personal life I have generally found that to be an accurate analogy.  I could even substitute the word 'life' in the place of 'heart.'  Whether or not this analogy is at all accurate, at the very least I feel messy when my house is messy.

As much as I want to be able to write a fun, happy, flowery blog post this morning, I just don't have it in me.  There are some days, some periods of life, where it feels like too much.  Today is one of those days.  This week has been one of those weeks.  And it's only Wednesday.

Homeschooling has been a major stressor.  We have been stumbling through the program and I seem to be constantly finding something I should be doing that I wasn't fully aware of.  Yesterday this resulted in Marie skipping her speech lesson because I just found out she had a social skills lesson at the same time.

Another aspect of homeschooling is that Marie has down syndrome.  I'm still not in a place of complete acceptance so as I spend my entire days with her I constantly and consistently try to poke and prod the down syndrome out of her.  I know that doesn't work.  Maybe that's why I feel so overwhelmed.  I'm tackling down syndrome eviction and learning to homeschool at the same time.

I don't think I can separate those two.  Down syndrome and homeschool.  I don't think I can sit down to work with Marie and not deal with the annoying fact that she has this disability.  So I guess I'm saying that if I'm not able to get past what I find annoying and frustrating about her disability, we won't be able to move forward academically.  Hmmm That's not where I wanted this conversation to go.

Homeschooling has taken up a lot of my time and my energy.  It's more than I expected.  My house and the way we all eat are suffering the repercussions.  I basically don't cook - I barely eat breakfast or lunch.  And sweeping?  Vacuuming?  Doing dishes?  Those are all staple stay-at-home-mom things to do.  That and watch soap operas with a cup of coffee right?  I don't do any of those things.  I don't have "perfect moments" anymore.

A "perfect moment" usually involves something very yummy to eat while I watch a favorite TV show and I'm by myself with no interruptions from anyone or anything.  I don't even answer Mr. Sexy's phone calls when I'm in the middle of my "perfect moment."

I miss having those.

Also, as of 6:30 this morning, we ran out of firewood - our main source of heating.  We have a  truck we use to haul logs from the woods to our house where it all gets chopped up and thrown in a big bin by our wood stove.  We use this same truck to plow the driveway.  Well, in the midst of all the recent snow we just got, the truck got stuck and so far we have had no luck in getting it out.  There is lots of firewood to be used but hauling it way over here one sled-full at a time is a laborious process.  With Mr. Sexy working two jobs now, he just doesn't have enough time to make everything happen.

So, life is messy.  The house is messy.  Our car is messy.  I.  Feel.  Messy.

I will get over it.  I have already opened a discussion with Marie's teacher about schooling difficulties.  So far we are able to get up our driveway without needing to plow - although we have had a few close calls.  We drive a mini-van after all.   (Thank God for snow tires.)  And today I'm wearing long-jons and making the kids double up on pants and sweatshirts.  (We have central heating but I try not to use it because it's crazy expensive.)

I hope I don't sound worried or like I'm totally freaking out.  I'm not.  In fact, I'm pretty much amazing.  The stress has been building these past few days and I am not handling it perfectly.  But I'm handling it.  You couldn't say that about me a year or two ago.

I'm No Pinterest Mom

It's official.  I've got my hands full.

I'm homeschooling Marie who has down syndrome and we have a hard time understanding each other.  Now we have added full-time schooling into our lives.

Then there is almost-10-month old Denai who is finally on the brink of crawling.  She LOVES me.  She loves me so much she always wants to be with me.  ALWAYS.  And when she's with me she needs something because that's what I do.  I give her what she needs.  This largely consists of bread and boobs.  (She eats more than just bread but it's her FAVORITE thing right now.  She goes CrAzY over it.)    

And I have Michael who only gets to live with us half the time.  It's nice to have a break from taking Mr. Sexy to work every morning so I can take Michael to school and then pick him up three hours later.  It's nice to get a break from the tantrums and attitude that I completely blame his biological dad for (I promise to take all the blame for Denai's behavior).  When he's home my life usually feels a little more strained because he is an extra person needing something from me.  But gosh-darn-it I love that kid.  He adds a level of energy in our house that is missing when he's gone.

I say all this because today is a day where I almost freaked out.  Like really freaked out.  Crying, yelling, rum...you name it.  Like I said I ALMOST freaked out.  This means that I didn't!  I held myself together.  For the most part.

I felt completely emotionally overrun and at a standstill in that.  I couldn't move forward.  Therefore I couldn't think right.  Therefore what was starting to come out was a nasty person with a tongue of fire.

I stopped our day for the night (it was getting to be later afternoon anyways) and was able to chill for a few minutes which helped clear my head.

I am trying to do everything at one time.  

While Marie is reading through her lesson - over and over and over again - I'm playing around on my blog.  But I can't focus because I still want to correct Marie when she needs help with reading.  I try to do some laundry but that doesn't work because I'm too far away from Marie's screen meaning I can't help guide her very well.  I try to clean and organize our work spaces in here but I just end up picking up small things at random, staring at them, then putting them down again.  I have no focus whatsoever.

That basically sums up my every day of the homeschool life.

It must stop.

So I am in the process of making a plan and setting some new rules.  I really like rules.  Rules are there to help and are not supposed to be broken.  Ever.  Unless there is an amazing reason which always shows up in the movies.

I made my school schedule - finally - and it should stay the same when Michael is home.  After I made it, however, I became really nervous because according to my schedule there is no time for anything extra.  When would I clean the kitchen?  Fold the laundry? Vacuum?  Sweep?  Finish unpacking from our move this summer?

While I can indeed do some chores in the evening that isn't a good plan for me.  I need time to make dinner, spend some time with Mr. Sexy and then get the kids ready for bed.  My kids take some effort, let me tell you!  I also need some veg time to watch TV or blog or sit on the couch and stare out the windows for no reason at all.

This means EVERYONE must pitch in and we must ALL do chores on the weekends.  Awesome right?

So far I think I have a good plan and I am open for tweaking it as much as needed to fit our family.

Hopefully my new plan will help tomorrow go better, and Friday, and all of next week!

I will not spit.

I have too many things I want to blog about on this foggy Monday morning.

Chopping firewood in our backyard.

Speaking of fog.  It's been foggy one week straight now!  That's 7 days of zero sunshine.  Not even a glimmer (that I could find at least).  It's so depressing.  To top it off I spend most of my days in the yellow light of my basement while I watch Marie slo-o-o-wly make her way through school work.  It would be nice to take a break and visit the sunshine.

Speaking of school: Marie is starting her morning with 50 sentences that I require to be in her very best handwriting.

"I will not spit."

I checked on her before bed time last night and found wet spots on her sheets and her fingers were wet.  I thought it was snot - GROSS.  Then she told me it was spit.  Apparently she thought it would be fun to spit on her sheets and in her hands?!?!

She used to spit; I just thought we had moved on from this weird and annoying and gross issue.  At school she used to spit on kids when she got upset.  I also used to hear her spitting while she was standing at the bathroom sink.  Now she is spitting in her blankets.

I know that getting angry over something so trivial is absolutely ridiculous.  I was so mad at her that I made myself all hot and sweaty - granted, I was also in the middle of doing laundry and our wood stove downstairs keeps us pretty toasty.

I was just so, so, appalled.  I went back into her room about ten minutes later after telling her she was going to sleep with her hands behind her head for a while.  She was spitting again!  This time just letting it bubble up in her lips.

Maybe she thinks it's cool that she can gather her saliva and make a bunch of tiny bubbles that turns into something wet on her hands.  Maybe she was trying to see how many bubbles she could make or how big she could get one to be.  I just don't think that's what her brain was really thinking.  Then again, I have no idea what her brain was thinking and she could, in now way, explain to me her reasonings for spitting on her blankets and hands.

The conversations that I have been having with Mr. Sexy about Marie have been changing these last few months.  He may not see it completely but I am starting to feel less defensive about the decisions and mistakes I make when parenting Marie.  Therefore him and I are able to have a real conversation about it.

Spitting, for example.  I showed her my frustration.  I gave her consequences.  When Mr. Sexy came downstairs I explained everything and at the end told him I could undo it all if he wanted.  I don't quite trust myself when it comes to being rational with Marie.  Mr. Sexy agrees.  He also knows that when he is parenting in anger he isn't rational either.  It always makes me feel better when he tells me he understands and that he's been where I am.

Every once in a while he reminds me that my angers and frustrations at Marie are familiar to him.  He was once there because it took him years to finally accept one simple fact.

Marie has down syndrome.

So now when she does things that are completely out of the ordinary for a girl her age he can rest in the fact that she has down syndrome and that's okay.

I'm not quite there yet.  I've come a long way and I believe I am well on my way towards this kind of acceptance.

For me, however, I still strive to mold Marie into something that looks normal in my world.  Spitting into her blankets and on her hands is not normal.  It's down syndrome in my face and try as I may, I can't change a damn thing about it!

So yeah, I'm frustrated.  And Marie is writing sentences.

On the plus side she is getting a lot of work in penmanship which is improving!

Changing Perspective

Today I slept in because I was so tired.  This means I missed my shower and when I miss my shower that means I plan to stay home all day so why change out of my sweats and t-shirt I wore to bed?  Forget putting on makeup and brushing my hair.

Today the kitchen is a little messier than when I woke up this morning and the dining room is only slightly less cluttered.

Today I got caught up on Revenge (guilty pleasure) and took an online quiz to see which Grey's Anatomy character I am.  The quiz told me I'm April Kepner.  Eww!  I really, really don't like her character.  I think I should be more of a Meredith or a Callie.  I like tequila AND I like to dance around in my underwear (in the privacy of my own home of course.)

Today I showed Denai some of her new toys, tried coaxing her into crawling until she got mad and fed her to her hearts content.

Today I worked on Social Studies with Marie.  We spent our entire school day working on getting through half one lesson.

And lastly, today I did laundry.

I feel lazy, unaccomplished and bum-like.

As I read down my list of "accomplishments" I see a lazy-ass.  But then I get towards the bottom and I realize how much time and effort I put into my kids.  Yet I still feel lazy, unaccomplished and bum-like.

I wanted to get up on time and shower because it makes me feel good, clean and ready for the day.

I wanted to get the kitchen cleaned up and organize the dining room.

I wanted to either work on my blog or organize our work spaces downstairs.

I wanted to see Denai crawl.

I wanted Marie to get through one lesson.  Just one.

I tend to be driven by tangible accomplishments and victories.  So the fact that I spent most of my day working with Marie and I wasn't able to click "Lesson Completed" shows the world (in my mind) that nothing got accomplished.  All that can be seen is an un-showered mom, a baby who was also in pj's all day, a messy kitchen and an open Facebook page (with loads of laundry in the background).

In reality I actually accomplished a lot.  I spent the entire day sitting with Marie at her computer!  I was patient while she struggled through some harder words as she read her lesson.  I occupied myself as she cut out her study notecards.  I persevered through the laborious process of note-taking.

For the most part my accomplishments today are not tangible.  Some victories will only be shared between Marie and myself.  I'm learning that that's okay.  It's okay that I don't always get dressed and that I didn't sweep the chips off the floor.

It's okay that the biggest victories today were purely relational.

Homeschooling: Day 1: We Survived

Let me start of by saying that I always thought I would homeschool my kids like my mom did me and brothers.

Then I thought hell no.

Then I thought, sure, I could homeschool.  I would be great. 

Then I thought hell no.

Then I thought, well, Marie's new school blows so I guess I could try it for a semester...

And then I thought, what the hell did I do?

My morning started off with Marie's IEP meeting via telephone conference.  You know how when you watch the news and the news peeps are talking to each across the country and it's awkward because there is a delay somewhere in the mix?  Well that's what phone conversations are like for me these days.  It makes things like IEP conferences very awkward.  Hopefully we can get faster internet at some point or maybe should think about a land line.  Who knows.

Marie and I almost had a rough start.  I'm not even sure why.  Oh yeah.  We were dealing with how to tell truths again.  This time it was about a napkin.  What a difficult life I lead.

Overall: Day 1 went very well.

But boy am I exhausted.

Our morning session together was smooth and even relaxing while Denai slept peacefully upstairs.  Then she woke up.  Denai, of course, wanted most of my attention.  Marie, on the other hand, NEEDED my attention.

See, Marie's first lesson was pretty quick.  Too quick.  She failed it.  I started to have her do it again but realized she would do much better simply because she had memorized the information instead of having actually learned it.

Her second lesson, math, I feel much more proud about.  We spent FOREVER on her math lesson and we didn't even finish it which means we get to start over tomorrow because the lessons apparantly don't save.  That's totally fine for me because Marie needs the practice.  Thus, we spent most of our school day on one section of her math lesson.

I feel confident that we will get in the swing of things.  I already have a nice routine thought up for our day.  I'm particularly interested, possibly even excited, about learning where Marie is actually at in her schooling.

I think today she was doing 4th grade work and sadly, I think it was too advanced for her.  But the beauty of homeschool is I can be at her level with her lessons even if her lessons aren't.  If I need to dumb them down to a first grade level for a week then I can do that.

I will be spending a lot of time talking to Marie's team about these things and I have high hopes for the rest of the semester.

But boy is it a lot of work!

Someone buy me a beer!

Part of our daily routine is going for a walk.
Top right: A small part of my driveway.
Middle right: Hoof print.  Too cool right?
Bottom right: Our mouser cats are already leaving presents.

3 Kids, 3 Directions, 1 Frazzled Mamma

Today was supposed to be day 3 of homeschooling with Marie.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  I didn't even try.

I have three very different kids who need me all at the same time it seems.

Denai is 9 months old.  She needs me to survive.

Michael needs to spend  time with me whether it's watching TV, playing with his trucks or reading a book.  He craves attention and positive feedback.

Marie needs me to do school.  Right now we are just trying to get through orientation and it. Is. Sloooowwww.  Like our turtle, Shelly Sheldon Sexy.  Marie, above all else, needs my patience.

So....

Denai: Survival
Michael: Time
Marie: Patience

Of course all my kids need so much more than the one word I just typed next to their names.  It's just that one word depicts their number one need.

3 kids.  Three directions.  One frazzled mamma.

I haven't mentioned the messy kitchen, the unpacked bedroom and the carpet that has needed a vacuum for weeks.

 Oh yeah, I'm a wife, too.  So when I pick up Mr. Sexy from work I need to take a deep breath and do my best to not overrun him with my day.  He has had stresses from his own day that he has to come down from.

All this to say: I'm a little nervous about where homeschooling Marie is going to take us.  It's not like I can just set her in front of the computer and say, "Let me know when you're done!"  Well, I could.  But that wouldn't benefit her at all.  I really want homeschool to be a benefit for her and I'm actually excited to learn more about how Marie thinks, learns, and processes information.  This means that during the orientation video I sit next to her and guide her in filling out the notes she was given on the computer.

Surprisingly it wasn't as frustrating as I thought it would be.  At least, not yet.  We are only in orientation after all.  But I am already seeing her struggle and not understand simple ideas as they are shown on her video.  So I slowed things down.  What is taking most kids probably an hour has so far taken us two hours and we are just beginning.

Does that sound crazy?  I think it does.  But I don't care.  The whole point of this homeschool program is to be where Marie is.  If she is at ABC's then that's where we go.  If she is learning 5+5=10 then that's what we practice.  If it takes an entire day to read a story and understand the plot, then I open a bottle of wine and sit in front of the fire while we work through it.

I'm frustrated because Marie has been pushed through the school system in a way that I don't think is helpful for her.  It's great she is 12 and in 6th grade.  However it's not so great that she was spoon fed the information that got her to where she is today.  Let me explain:

Last semester she was coming home regularly with 6th grade homework just like the rest of her peers.  Marie couldn't do it.  My opinion on homework is that no matter the age or ability, the homework should be reinforcing what is learned at school.  This means I shouldn't have to teach the homework.  Right?  The fact was she could not do her homework.  I showed her and even tried to teach her.  She didn't get it.  Frankly, I didn't enroll her in public school so I could teach her every night when she came home.

I'm still boggled by the fact that apparently, at school, Marie did her work just fine.  Yet at home she seemed confused.  Perhaps there was a disconnect between the two places which was down syndrome related.  Okay, I can get that.  Yet, this issue had never happened before this new school in this very small town.  Hmmmm... And then her teacher tells me I'm the one doing something wrong?

So here we are, beginning this homeschool program for free.  Marie has her own computer and everything.  She already surprises me - both good and bad.

Mr. Sexy and I have already thrown a few ideas around on how to help my days feel less insane as we begin this new journey.  I'm a little worried about it but then I'm not at the same time.  One way or another we will figure this out.  Even if I have to hire a maid to vacuum that nasty carpet and clean the kitchen that has dishes from last week by the sink.  ::wink wink::