Changing Perspective

Today I slept in because I was so tired.  This means I missed my shower and when I miss my shower that means I plan to stay home all day so why change out of my sweats and t-shirt I wore to bed?  Forget putting on makeup and brushing my hair.

Today the kitchen is a little messier than when I woke up this morning and the dining room is only slightly less cluttered.

Today I got caught up on Revenge (guilty pleasure) and took an online quiz to see which Grey's Anatomy character I am.  The quiz told me I'm April Kepner.  Eww!  I really, really don't like her character.  I think I should be more of a Meredith or a Callie.  I like tequila AND I like to dance around in my underwear (in the privacy of my own home of course.)

Today I showed Denai some of her new toys, tried coaxing her into crawling until she got mad and fed her to her hearts content.

Today I worked on Social Studies with Marie.  We spent our entire school day working on getting through half one lesson.

And lastly, today I did laundry.

I feel lazy, unaccomplished and bum-like.

As I read down my list of "accomplishments" I see a lazy-ass.  But then I get towards the bottom and I realize how much time and effort I put into my kids.  Yet I still feel lazy, unaccomplished and bum-like.

I wanted to get up on time and shower because it makes me feel good, clean and ready for the day.

I wanted to get the kitchen cleaned up and organize the dining room.

I wanted to either work on my blog or organize our work spaces downstairs.

I wanted to see Denai crawl.

I wanted Marie to get through one lesson.  Just one.

I tend to be driven by tangible accomplishments and victories.  So the fact that I spent most of my day working with Marie and I wasn't able to click "Lesson Completed" shows the world (in my mind) that nothing got accomplished.  All that can be seen is an un-showered mom, a baby who was also in pj's all day, a messy kitchen and an open Facebook page (with loads of laundry in the background).

In reality I actually accomplished a lot.  I spent the entire day sitting with Marie at her computer!  I was patient while she struggled through some harder words as she read her lesson.  I occupied myself as she cut out her study notecards.  I persevered through the laborious process of note-taking.

For the most part my accomplishments today are not tangible.  Some victories will only be shared between Marie and myself.  I'm learning that that's okay.  It's okay that I don't always get dressed and that I didn't sweep the chips off the floor.

It's okay that the biggest victories today were purely relational.

Coffee Chat: Go Away Silly Trends!

It's Coffee Chat Tuesday!  Written on a Monday night.  Oh yes, I'm sneaky like that.

This week we are filling in the blank: I would like to see               trend disappear in 2014.

There are a few "trends" I'm not a fan of but the one I'll bite from is cyber bullying.

I would like to see the cyber bullying trend disappear in 2014.

Will this happen?  Now way!  But I'd like it to.  It would  be nice.

I'll admit that I'm extra sensitive on the subject these days.  That sensitivity is what causes me to see it all over the place and sometimes in the simplest forms, perhaps with someone I know as the instigator of the negativity.

The fact is that cyber bullying, in my opinion, is easy to get involved in.  It really takes just one person to make something blow up on the internet.  Even when I don't agree with what the person being "bullied" has said/done, I still feel empathy for that person.

So often people are downright mean and dirty when it's just words typed across a screen.  I've been guilty of being that person.  I'm not proud of it.  In the moment I would say I didn't even realize the weight of my written words.

For me, writing through the internet can be very personal and liberating; yet at the same time I don't see a human being staring back at me.  I just see my own words with my tone and my expressions.  Oh yeah, you guys can't hear my tone or see my expressions.  All you can see are my words.

With twitter, instagram, Facebook, youtube and a host of other networking sites, it doesn't take much for a story to spread through the cyber space.  On the brighter side perhaps this causes some to think twice before writing something that is potentially going to be misconstrued as something different than the original intent.

Personally, in a perfect world, I hope we each would approach each other in a private message about the offense before sharing it with the general public - if it needs to shared at all.

Time Out For Mom

Issues of Self-Control

A big part of my blogging journey via Risk Rejection is to continue writing as I did last year about my daily life.  I tend to write from very strong emotions and sometimes it seems I have a lot of negative emotions.  I am overall a happy person and enjoy my life (even with all the bugs in my house) but it's true: I do deal with a lot of negativity in my emotions.  Every day I learn how to deal with them in a better way, a healthier way.  And today - this morning - is a prime example.

To you, it's just a little bit of cheese.  In fact all it was were crumbs - the leftovers from my breakfast.  To me, it's not just a few crumbs of cheese.  It's disobedience.  It's ANOTHER weird food issue/incident.  It's Marie making another bad choice, one she has made countless times over the years, and when I ask her why she did it, I get the same answer: "I don't know."

It's down syndrome.  Friends can tell me it's not just down syndrome.  Other kids struggle too, kids who are perfectly "normal."  But she has down syndrome so her brain works in ways I don't think I will ever understand. Therefore, she has an obsession with food that Mr. Sexy and I have yet to figure out and overcome.

As I was brushing Marie's teeth this morning I thought it was gross that she still had bits of food on her tongue from breakfast.  Wait a minute.  That's weird.  I asked her once what she ate.  She immediately lied about it as I expected.  I asked again and this time she gave a big sigh and looked down at the counter.  Oh yeah, I was on to something.  After a few minutes she did tell me she ate cheese.

It took a split second for me to go from relatively calm to shaking and hot with anger.  An immediate time-out was in order for both of us.

"Time-out!"  

I shut the bathroom door and basically ran down the hallway to call Mr. Sexy so he could help me diffuse the situation.  Talking to him didn't really help.  (Sorry babe.)  He was pretty stressed out with work and his answer was, "We should deal with it tonight."  The thing is Marie probably wouldn't remember the incident by the end of the day.

I felt I had to do something.  But what?  I wanted to punish her and I wanted the punishment to hurt her so she would remember the pain and not make that bad choice again.  Well, that's no way to get a child to fix their mistakes.  And do I really want Marie to make good choices out of fear?  That type of obedience will never stick.

Now let me explain where I'm coming from here.

Back when Marie was just 5 years old she would get up in the middle of the night and raid the fridge.  By raid I mean she had every single item out of that fridge and ALL of it was headed to her tummy.  This habit continues today.  We currently have some safeguards in place so she can't get to food after bed time and we are hoping to work on the issue this summer.

It's not just at nighttime that she likes to grab an inappropriate snack.  Sometimes it's early in the morning on her way to the laundry room and no one is around.  Sometimes it's when Nanna turns her back in the kitchen and then a cake pop has disappeared.  And sometimes it's while I trust her to be putting away dishes and not to snack from the crumbs on the counters.  It's an issue of self-control.  She doesn't have it.

So back to my room and blood-boiling anger and feeling totally alone in the situation.  I had just used the one life-line I felt I had and it didn't help.  I paced my room and I grunted out of frustration.  That's a better choice than full out screaming in my opinion.  I took some big deep breaths which only produced frustrated tears.  I felt helpless because my emotions were so overwhelming I thought they would eventually completely take over.

I wanted so badly to come up with a good consequence for Marie that would impact her but not cross those lines into fear-parenting.  I just couldn't think straight.  I paced, I grunted, I breathed big and deep and I cried.  I was fighting against my sinful nature.  This isn't a new fight for me but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

As I used my de-stressing techniques my heart slowed and I cooled down.  Sentences.  I used to have Marie write sentences.  Yes!  That would work!  Sentences are not fun AND she could practice the correct action in her head during each one.

I was still pissed but no where near the boiling point any more.  I was the one in control.  I felt ready to get Marie, sit her down and explain her consequences.

But first, I had to tell her good job for telling me the truth.  I'm sure that bit of the conversation sounded pathetic as she was sad and I was mad.  But I tried.  Thank you so much for telling me the truth.  Telling the truth is always a good choice.  I think I said those lines like three times hoping she would see that I actually was proud of her for that.  Maybe I can talk to her about it again later and she will give me a real smile.

Then I laid out her consequences:

1. She is not allowed in the kitchen until I decide (basically when I'm ready to let go of the incident)

2.  Because she has shown she doesn't know how to handle food properly, I will be feeding her during lunch and dinner.

3.  She will write 100 sentences.

I'll bet some of you are reading this and thinking I'm a terrible mom because these consequences may
seem harsh to you.  But the fact of the matter is Marie MUST learn to control her urges to eat food.  I honestly don't care AT ALL that she snacked on cheese.  I care that it's all part of the pattern of sneaking food into her belly when no one is around.

My hope is that if Mr. Sexy and I can I have regular, serious consequences for this particular behavior then by the time she is ready to move out (this WILL happen) she will have an appropriately learned behavior of when to eat and how to eat.

Again, eating a little bit of cheese isn't a huge deal.  But eating an entire jar of peanut butter is.  Drinking an entire bottle of chocolate syrup isn't that great for you.  Eating half a bag of that cheap-o bubble gum isn't great for your stomach and neither is eating an entire jar of vitamins.  Marie has done all these things and more.

So eating a little bit of cheese, right after breakfast, while she is putting away dishes and I'm taking  care of the baby, it's a big deal.      


Disclaimer:  I understand that all our kids go through these issues.  But Marie is 12 and she still continues to eat inappropriately whether it's an entire loaf of bread she snuck to her room or crumbs of cheese she stuffed in her mouth as soon as I left the kitchen.  I truly desire her to have self-control and the ability to make wise choices. 

Homeschooling: Day 1: We Survived

Let me start of by saying that I always thought I would homeschool my kids like my mom did me and brothers.

Then I thought hell no.

Then I thought, sure, I could homeschool.  I would be great. 

Then I thought hell no.

Then I thought, well, Marie's new school blows so I guess I could try it for a semester...

And then I thought, what the hell did I do?

My morning started off with Marie's IEP meeting via telephone conference.  You know how when you watch the news and the news peeps are talking to each across the country and it's awkward because there is a delay somewhere in the mix?  Well that's what phone conversations are like for me these days.  It makes things like IEP conferences very awkward.  Hopefully we can get faster internet at some point or maybe should think about a land line.  Who knows.

Marie and I almost had a rough start.  I'm not even sure why.  Oh yeah.  We were dealing with how to tell truths again.  This time it was about a napkin.  What a difficult life I lead.

Overall: Day 1 went very well.

But boy am I exhausted.

Our morning session together was smooth and even relaxing while Denai slept peacefully upstairs.  Then she woke up.  Denai, of course, wanted most of my attention.  Marie, on the other hand, NEEDED my attention.

See, Marie's first lesson was pretty quick.  Too quick.  She failed it.  I started to have her do it again but realized she would do much better simply because she had memorized the information instead of having actually learned it.

Her second lesson, math, I feel much more proud about.  We spent FOREVER on her math lesson and we didn't even finish it which means we get to start over tomorrow because the lessons apparantly don't save.  That's totally fine for me because Marie needs the practice.  Thus, we spent most of our school day on one section of her math lesson.

I feel confident that we will get in the swing of things.  I already have a nice routine thought up for our day.  I'm particularly interested, possibly even excited, about learning where Marie is actually at in her schooling.

I think today she was doing 4th grade work and sadly, I think it was too advanced for her.  But the beauty of homeschool is I can be at her level with her lessons even if her lessons aren't.  If I need to dumb them down to a first grade level for a week then I can do that.

I will be spending a lot of time talking to Marie's team about these things and I have high hopes for the rest of the semester.

But boy is it a lot of work!

Someone buy me a beer!

Part of our daily routine is going for a walk.
Top right: A small part of my driveway.
Middle right: Hoof print.  Too cool right?
Bottom right: Our mouser cats are already leaving presents.

Wordless Wednesday

I Farted!

 I keep thinking that I need to write about happier things.  I'm just not that good at it.  All I want to do right now is vent about Marie's non-understanding about the basic difference between a lie and truth over something as silly as a fart.

Farts are funny in our household.  They're gross.  But they always make us laugh because of how gross they are.  I can almost tell who farted just based on the smell.  Sometimes I can tell what was eaten to make such a stench.  This is good reading material, am I right?

Marie does not seem to have a clue what the difference is between a truth and a lie.  Mr. Sexy tells me all the time that Marie will always give the answer she thinks will make that person happy.

"Marie, did you fart?"
"No."
"Marie, it's just you and I in the room.  Did you fart?"
"No."

"Marie, tell me what happened."
"I did not eat peanut butter."
The peanut butter was all over her nightgown, her sheets, her face and in her hair.  The empty jar was hidden under her bed.

"Marie, did you pee your bed?"
"No."
The entire room stank like urine.

"Marie, did you poop your pants?"
"No."
There was a huge rock looking thing in the butt of her pajama bottoms. (She was sick.)

Okay, now you're thinking, Sheesh!  Lay off the girl!  Obviously she is embarrassed or doesn't want to get in trouble because she knows she did something wrong.

Yeah, I tell myself that too.

But then things happen that I can't be sure of and I have no way of knowing whether Marie is telling me what actually happened or just what she wants to have happened.

For instance:

"Marie, what happened to your book?"
"I did not rip it."
She was by herself, in her room and reading.  What else could have happened other than her ripping it?
"Marie, I think you ripped your book.  Is that what happened?"
"Yes."
"So now you have told me two different things and I don't know what to believe.  Did you rip your book?"
"No."

I can't tell you how many conversations I have had with her that went exactly like this.  Although what you don't see displayed is the heat in my chest rising and my gut telling me to get out of that room and that conversation before I blew up about something she didn't even understand was happening.

And that's the truth of it.  She doesn't get it.  SHE DOESN'T GET IT.  You can tell me that every day.  I can write it on my mirror.  I can write about it on my blog.  I can read it in my notes.

Emotionally, however, I feel like she does get it but chooses to give the best answer she thinks possible like what Mr. Sexy said.  I want her to learn to always tell the truth which is a hard thing to do.  I still struggle with telling the truth sometimes because I'm concerned with how it will affect me.  Marie has the same concerns, no doubt.  I just want her to get past them - even in the simplest form such as coming clean about a stupid fart.

Just a reminder: I have been Marie's mom for only a few years.  Part of my blogging journey is to figure all that stuff out.  It's complicated, messy and highly emotionally charged.  Constantly.

The truth is, I see huge potential in Marie.  But there is so much of this other stuff that I feel sets her backwards.  Stuff I don't know if she will get past and therefore her future won't be what I picture.

This is a good time to remember that her future really isn't my concern.  It's not Mr. Sexy's either.  God has her future all planned out.  I think He just needs Mr. Sexy and I to continue parenting and teaching Marie to the best of our ability and trust that God will provide missing pieces.

Just, please God, give her the discernment to understand what a lie is and what a truth is.  Today that would really help me out.  Thanks!

This One Has A Little Bit Of Sex Talk

So often I have felt rejected, unloved and unwanted.  I think it's something we all go through from time to time.  Maybe that's why I had sex for the first time at 16 years old.  Maybe that's why I continued to have sexual partners after that.  I was always looking to be accepted by my family, my friends and then by boys.

My family was hard.  In so many of my decisions I seemed to be a disappointment.  Well, actually this makes total sense when you realize I used to sneak out to party; I disrespected my parents to their face and was a very good liar and manipulator.  It seemed that my mom and dad were rarely able to get past the anger phase of my poor choices.  So it's my opinion that family is hard no matter what kind you're in.

Friends I always put on a pedestal as if expecting them to fill the void left by my mom and dad.  In high school I looked to my best friend for support when I should have been looking to my mom.  That's a lot of pressure on a friend no matter the age.  When I lost (or lose) one of these precious friends I take it way too personally.  The fact is that friends come and go.

Boys were an easy scape-goat for my emotional needs.  I knew the relationships were shallow and empty but I didn't care. I wanted to feel loved.  I mean really FEEL it.  The kind of love that can almost break your heart in two because it's so strong and it's so real.  It's unconditional.  Ironically, not once did I ever initiated those sexual relationships.

I am more than the choices that I've made. 

I've been remade. 

I only came to know this as truth through my relationship with my husband.  For the first time in my life there is a person who, quite literally, knows everything there is to know about me, my past, and my secrets.  For the first time in my life I'm seeing what unconditional love can look like in human form.  For the first time in my life I am beginning to understand the depth of unconditional love that God has for my broken heart.

This is when brokenness happens.

It's such a sweet pain that hits me right in the gut.  Overwhelms my emotions.  Life. Stops.

Brokenness finds me when I have the guts to let my guard down.

It's brokenness that was is my saving grace.