Wednesday is Picture Day!

Me and my birthday boy. 

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things... Hmmm....

Latest Instagram Photo Op

Instagram.  I feel like I'm an instagram FrEaK.  I actually have to tell myself: No Mrs. Sexy.  You have already uploaded 3 pictures this hour.  The rest can wait.  You need to stop.  But I just looooove it!!!  It's easy and fast and I have cute little tags that have only pics of my kids and hottie of a husband.  I really don't want to annoy people because I always post to Facebook and twitter so just know that daily I struggle with not uploading pictures all day.  Literally.  All day.

Getting my hair done.  I say this wistfully because it's been a year since I've spent a decent amount of money and given my hair a weave of highlights and auburns and cinnamons and....lots of other fancy colors.  I crave getting my hair done.  I always feel so wonderful afterwards.  It's a new, fresh look which sometimes scares me every time I pee (because there is usually a mirror by the toilet) but then I realize how beautiful my new hair is and I take bathroom breaks just so I can look at my hair in the mirror.  Deep breath.  I need to talk to Mr. Sexy about working this magic back into our budget.

Instagram again!
December, 2013

Beer.  Today I received my birthday present from Mr. Sexy!  It was a case of beer!  He signed me up on a beer-of-the-month club because he knows that I don't know very much about beer and that I never know what kind I like.  This way, every month the UPS guy delivers a case of 12 beers to my doorstep.  I can rate them online and they will be able to cater what they send me based on what I enjoy.  How awesome is that!  I get a birthday present every month!

So there's my three favorite things.  I'm not sure I can say those are even my top three favorite things.  They are just what popped into my head as I started to write.

Thanks for reading!

Linking up with Rorybore today.

The irony. Oh the irony!!

Well Gosh-Darn-Dangit.  It's late and I should be going to bed.  Instead I'm so hyped up that I can't even type correctly.  And I'll tell you why.  Just keep reading and let me tell you why I'm so hyper right now which makes me feel like giggling and talking really loudly.

A lot of my friends will remember I had a blog last year which was very emotionally charged.  I held nothing back.  Those same friends will remember that a blogger whom I had never visited before found my blog and didn't like what she read.  She left me many comments telling me I deserved to go to hell and I'm a terrible person.  Blah blah blah.  Then she started leaving links all over my page.  Links to her website.  Her blog post.  About me and my black heart.  This instigated a sort of witch hunt for me.  This woman started a frenzy which led to police involvement, CPS visits and lost friendships.  Yup.  My friends and family were harassed by this woman and her bloggy friends during that time.

I found this lady's blog tonight.  It wasn't hard for me to find it.  All I had to do was google myself.  I was curious about the kind of blogger she is.  If she's actually a nice person/blogger/writer maybe I could follower her and see if she notices or maybe we would be friends?

Yeah...NO.

She scares me.  I won't be back to her blog.

She has a kid(s) with down syndrome too.  But she still scares me.  Even her profile picture scares me.

I came across a post from December, 2013; this is about one year after I shut my blog down.  She was on a rant because she has received so much hate from her readers.  She says she is being called (insert huge list of names here) and that she hates it.  She says she doesn't understand why people bother to follow people on the internet whom they don't like.

She says that people are probably nicer face-to-face because the internet gives so much freedom for people to say whatever they want.  She says these people that are hating her don't really know her and are essentially strangers so they should back the f*** off (her words).  She says these people being mean to her must be miserable and all they are after is attention. She says she doesn't have time to follow people on the internet just so she can be mean to them.

The irony.  Oh the irony!!!!

She also says she doesn't understand why the hating has been going this past year.

Hmmm... What goes around comes around?

Mr. Sexy told me not to post the link to her blog - as much as I want to.  I just want my friends to read this lady talk about how much she hates exactly what she did to me one year ago!!!!!  

Mr. Sexy also told me not to quote anything directly.  He told me I'm playing with fire a little bit here.  He's right.  I totally am.  But I'm done now.  I really was curious on what kind of writer she was.

And frankly, she is not worth any more of my time.  Oh yeah.  And she scares me.

This has helped me move on from what happened a year ago, though.  I struggled - and still struggle - with the thoughts these strangers put in my head:  that Marie would indeed be better off without me.  We should give her away to some one who cares.  I deserve hell.  Blah blah blah.

I know now all that stuff came directly from Satan.  He was putting an end to something very positive in my life.  I was making progress in my relationship with Marie through the relationships I was building on the internet.  The love and encouragement I received helped me in ways that they will never fully realize.

I'm now disappointed in myself because I feel like I let Satan win that one by tucking tail and walking away.  But I'm back now.  I've learned a few things.  I'm a better person than I was.  Just a teensy bit smarter too.

Well, this was an amazing venting post!!  Thanks so much for venting with me.  And please, don't go seeking this woman out.  I don't need people like her catching wind of ME.

Phew.  I'm calmed down a little bit now.  It's time to have a beer and get to bed.

I will not spit.

I have too many things I want to blog about on this foggy Monday morning.

Chopping firewood in our backyard.

Speaking of fog.  It's been foggy one week straight now!  That's 7 days of zero sunshine.  Not even a glimmer (that I could find at least).  It's so depressing.  To top it off I spend most of my days in the yellow light of my basement while I watch Marie slo-o-o-wly make her way through school work.  It would be nice to take a break and visit the sunshine.

Speaking of school: Marie is starting her morning with 50 sentences that I require to be in her very best handwriting.

"I will not spit."

I checked on her before bed time last night and found wet spots on her sheets and her fingers were wet.  I thought it was snot - GROSS.  Then she told me it was spit.  Apparently she thought it would be fun to spit on her sheets and in her hands?!?!

She used to spit; I just thought we had moved on from this weird and annoying and gross issue.  At school she used to spit on kids when she got upset.  I also used to hear her spitting while she was standing at the bathroom sink.  Now she is spitting in her blankets.

I know that getting angry over something so trivial is absolutely ridiculous.  I was so mad at her that I made myself all hot and sweaty - granted, I was also in the middle of doing laundry and our wood stove downstairs keeps us pretty toasty.

I was just so, so, appalled.  I went back into her room about ten minutes later after telling her she was going to sleep with her hands behind her head for a while.  She was spitting again!  This time just letting it bubble up in her lips.

Maybe she thinks it's cool that she can gather her saliva and make a bunch of tiny bubbles that turns into something wet on her hands.  Maybe she was trying to see how many bubbles she could make or how big she could get one to be.  I just don't think that's what her brain was really thinking.  Then again, I have no idea what her brain was thinking and she could, in now way, explain to me her reasonings for spitting on her blankets and hands.

The conversations that I have been having with Mr. Sexy about Marie have been changing these last few months.  He may not see it completely but I am starting to feel less defensive about the decisions and mistakes I make when parenting Marie.  Therefore him and I are able to have a real conversation about it.

Spitting, for example.  I showed her my frustration.  I gave her consequences.  When Mr. Sexy came downstairs I explained everything and at the end told him I could undo it all if he wanted.  I don't quite trust myself when it comes to being rational with Marie.  Mr. Sexy agrees.  He also knows that when he is parenting in anger he isn't rational either.  It always makes me feel better when he tells me he understands and that he's been where I am.

Every once in a while he reminds me that my angers and frustrations at Marie are familiar to him.  He was once there because it took him years to finally accept one simple fact.

Marie has down syndrome.

So now when she does things that are completely out of the ordinary for a girl her age he can rest in the fact that she has down syndrome and that's okay.

I'm not quite there yet.  I've come a long way and I believe I am well on my way towards this kind of acceptance.

For me, however, I still strive to mold Marie into something that looks normal in my world.  Spitting into her blankets and on her hands is not normal.  It's down syndrome in my face and try as I may, I can't change a damn thing about it!

So yeah, I'm frustrated.  And Marie is writing sentences.

On the plus side she is getting a lot of work in penmanship which is improving!

Visit

Attempting to cook in my mother's kitchen is not quite so familiar.  I moved out years ago now yet I could always find my way around as if it was my own place.  Now it's getting different.  I have my own family of one husband and three kids.  I have my own sets of dishes, silverware and mixing spoons.  I have discovered - and continue to discover - how I like my kitchen to be set up.  I used to think it should be how my mom had hers set up.  My husband has shown me that it's okay to change things up though.

Apparently he thinks he has better ideas. ;)  A lot of times they actually make sense.  But every once in a while I have to fix it.

So now when I stand in my mother's kitchen I have to spend a little extra time looking for mixing bowls and Pam cooking spray.  But I don't mind.

Because now I finally feel like I'm visiting.  This may sound weird.  The fact is I like being a visitor in my childhood home.  It means I don't completely belong there anymore.  I have a home of my own with one husband, three kids and one kitchen fit perfectly for my needs.

Linking up with Lisa-Jo where we all write for 5 minutes straight from a prompt.  No editing whatsoever.  Hope you liked it!

We're Only Human

I am struggling with my blog because I am concerned about offending people.  I can't decide if this is wisdom telling me to be careful or fear playing it's nasty little game.  So at the risk of offending my friends and family, here goes.

I struggle with letting other's words define me.  At least for a period of time.  Often I appreciate advice.  But then there is a point where either that person hasn't earned a right to speak into my life so personally or another personal boundary is being crossed. Then that advice that was meant in love turns into something different.

More often it feels as if I'm being judged.  Usually by friends and family.  Most of whom are Christians. That's kind of backwards isn't it?  We are supposed to love each other.  We are supposed to be united.  Yet so often I see relationships fail when judgements are made, conclusions are jumped to and love is forgotten.  

It's really easy for me to look into someone else's life and know what their issues are and how to fix them.  The next step is to share my wisdom in the name of love.  I'm pretty good at this. 

While there is a time and place to speak wisdom into the lives' of others, more often than not, I believe I am supposed to close my mouth and keep my judgements to myself.  What do I really know anyways?  

This can be so damn hard!  

This subject is on my heart lately because so often I feel looked down on and judged for the choices I have made for me and my family.  The fact is: What works for me might not work for someone else and that's okay.  

For me, step-parenting is the toughest and most emotionally- charged thing I have ever set out to do. 

For me, sometimes a beer or mixed drink replaces my dinner.

For me, my house in the woods is perfect because it pushes me to be better every day.

For me, church is not my religion and sometimes I enjoy staying home with my family.

For me, money is a struggle to talk about, to live with, and to live without. 

For me, anger is a learned coping mechanism and a daily battle.

For me, my blog is how I try to find my voice.

For me, faith is often difficult.

This post is part of a series called Risk Rejection where a group of bloggers are linking up and sharing their own Risk Rejection adventures.  Mine is simple.  This blog.  I am still nervous when I see notifications for new comments.  I spend a lot of time worrying and over-thinking what I want to write about and publish. However I am enjoying my new bloggy space and it's been an amazing outlet this past month.  I'm looking forward to the future of 5 Hearts, One Family. 

Another Foggy Day

The sun has to return at some point...