For me, it was my husband.
I didn't know that's what I was feeling in the moments, though. I did feel angry and my body language said that much. But it was late and Mr. Sexy was tired so he gave up and went to sleep.
I stewed for a bit. Then decided to ask myself, why? What has happened to make me feel angry?
Hurt was the next emotion that came to mind. I was feeling hurt. He went to sleep, after all. He went to sleep when I wanted to snuggle and kiss on him.
He rejected me.
Now it's time for some background:
Over and over again I have to learn that sometimes my body language alone does not get my point across to him. Sometimes I have to be a little bit more aggressive. Sometimes I have to actually say what I want - out loud. Weird, right? Yet, this is my struggle.
What if I tell him I would enjoy some intimate kissy-face and he declined?
What if I was more aggressive and he shrugged me off?
These insecurities were not bred from my relationship with my husband. They were bred from the relationships preceding my husband.
As Mr. Sexy fell asleep and I struggled with feeling hurt, I dug a little deeper into myself.
When has hurt me in this way?
Answer: He hasn't.
So why the struggle? The same struggle for three years?
Fact is, this hasn't been a struggle for only three years. It goes deeper and wider than that.
As I was deeply thinking all this through, I had Grey's Anatomy re-runs on. I love that show. I love almost everything about it. Because I love it so much, I have gotten really into the characters. This particular episode revolved around Alex Karev.
I decided that I am a bit like the character Alex Karev. For many - even for members of the family I grew up with - what is seen are the walls I build around myself. I am labeled as defensive, hard to talk to, unteachable, rude, and I'm sure there are more. So when that's what others see and they tell me so, that's what I start to see as well.
Thank God I have a husband who is able to penetrate those walls and see somebody different. Somebody he really, really loves. Somebody he sees as beautiful, loving and caring. I do put walls back up for him from time to time. But he knows. He always knows. While it isn't easy for us to get past those walls, we are able to do it. Together. He sees the me God created me to be.
God is working on these walls. He is teaching me that in Him, there doesn't need to be fear. While there will be pain, there will also be joy. But until I'm willing to stop building, it doesn't look like I will get to experience the joy that only comes from God.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.