Finding the Source

I'm hoping that today doesn't involve a diaper full to the brim with stinky, mushy feces.

I'm not talking about baby Denai.

Marie has been wearing depends full time for over one month now because she has been having "accidents" throughout the day.  I say "accidents" because I can't believe she is having accidents.  But then again, I seem to be learning not to be surprised by anything Marie does.

She has down syndrome.  I have known her for four years and I still can't figure it out.  The down syndrome part, I mean.  And since I can't figure out the down syndrome part, I can't figure out the Marie part.

This makes for difficult care-taking/parenting moments.

Every once in a while I have been referring to myself as more of her care-taker than her parent.  While she still calls me "mom," I'm not sure I'm too happy with the title.  That might sound messed up.  I don't really get it either.

So, we are in weekly counseling. It's been really great for me.  I love the counselor.  She makes me feel validated in my feelings - even the really huge ones.  She asks probing questions to get me to think about where my feelings may come from.  She gives me homework that I can accomplish but if I don't get it done, it's no big deal.  She is firm with me in some areas, gentle with me in others.

Ciena is wearing depends today - just like yesterday.  But yesterday she had an "accident."  She pooped.  Was it on purpose?  A true accident?  I don't know.  Nobody does.  You may ask why she didn't use the bathroom?  I asked her that same question.  She didn't have an answer.

I think ever kid/person has a safe spot they like to retreat to.  Marie is like that.  In our new house, the stairs have become her safety zone.  I can't say I mind because I know where she is and she only gets in the way when she sprawls out and doesn't move when someone needs to use the stairs.  So, she sits on the stairs unless directed otherwise, and from the stairs she can see the bathroom.  Does she use it?  Well, she didn't yesterday.

I do think I am the source of the problem with Marie's behaviors.  As I work to accept that, I can start working towards fixing myself.  And that, my friends, was my conclusion from yesterday's counseling session.