Risking Rejection Every Day

I feel kind of silly participating in Risk Rejection because I feel completely disconnected to the blogging world.  I miss my last blog where I felt like I made actual friends whom I talked to and they talked back.

I guess I have decided to join this challenge in an effort to meet others and maybe share the challenges that come up with the risk I have chosen.

5 Hearts, One Family.

That's my risk.  I've already started.  It's a risk because last year my blog got a really bad rep.

Initially, about 3 years ago, I started blogging to talk about my relationship with my step-daughter whom I now refer to as my daughter.  I'm not a person to shy away from hard topics and my blog(s) depicted that.  My very first blog site was full of - anger.  To put it mildly.  I had absolutely nothing positive to say although I tried so, so SO hard!  I don't think anyone could see how hard I was trying, though.  So I gave up on that one site.  I can't quite remember why.  I can still look at that blog today if I want.  It's a great encouragement for me to see where I was then and how I have changed since.

I started another blog.  This one was better.  I had almost 50 followers!  I even got contacted to review products!  Woo-hoo!  Again, I was discussing my relationship with Marie and all the hard SHIT (yup, I like colorful words) that was happening to me, around me, inside me.  I poured my heart into my writing.  I can't count how many times I turned into a blubbering fool from an encouraging comment, a friend's post or my own writing.  It was that emotional for me.  I don't regret what I wrote and I would do it all over again because it was honest.

Then I got run off the internet and that was heart breaking in itself.  But it is what it is.  I understand what happened - but I don't understand why or how it got taken to the extreme levels that it did.  These bloggers basically wanted to see me in jail because apparently I was an abusive parent.  I'll be honest.  I have parented in the gray areas.  I have made choices I regret.  And maybe I deserved harassment because let's face it: I'm a very flawed person.

The fact is, however, I shared my heart on the internet.  I hid nothing.  I guess a lot of people found that to be scary so they harassed me, my family and my friends for weeks.

I'm disappointed in myself that I gave up back then.  But I'm back now and it's a scary process for me.  I'm sure that I will get negative feedback in the future.  I won't be surprised if someone from last year happens across my new blog and starts harassing me again.  But it's okay.  I'm in an even better place now than I was back then.  I'm better prepared.  I am more aware.  And I have gone through heart change this past year.

My relationship with Marie is still very fragile.

So that's my risk.  To risk judgement.  To risk hatred.  To risk friendships.  All in an effort to share my journey, my story and my heart so that those who have similar struggles won't feel as alone as I have felt.