The Ups and Downs

Things have been so hard lately.  Most days I just feel like crying.  So I have a beer.  Sometimes the tears come and sometimes they don't.  

I don't need my faults pointed out.  I am aware of every poor decision.  

However I often need to be reminded of my victories.  I don't always see those clearly.  

For instance: Marie got a question right on her worksheet from last night.  It's a question that we have spent an incredibly huge amount of time on.  "Does everybody in the world have the same basic needs?"  It's a simple question with a simple answer.  But after weeks of studying through the subject of wants and needs she is finally getting answers correct.  

And that's all me.  I take full credit gladly.  

Another victory:  Just now I came downstairs and Marie held up some tissue saying something so quietly I of course couldn't hear her.  I was upset with her so I was very stern with my "What did you say?"  I got closer and she told me she killed a stink bug.  I had to smile and give her a high five.  I take full credit for that as well.  Like me, she squeals in horror when she comes across one of those darned things.  Also like me, she gets over herself and kills it.  Unlike me, she walks calm and quiet to the bathroom to throw it away.  I continue my squeals of horror for a few moments after I have dumped the stupid bug in the toilet.  I get shivers just thinking about it.  Stink bugs are terrible.  

Mr. Sexy met with a behavior specialist who had some interesting thing to say about Marie's behaviors. 

 First, she thinks Marie's behaviors are mostly attention desired.  Marie is steal dealing with the fact that Voldemort left (4 years ago) and that I'm her mom now.  

Second, the specialist related to my story of being a step-parent to a special needs child and not finding any connection.  She has an adult step-son with a disability whom she has never loved and never will.  As I say that I see it sounds crass and many may see this woman (without knowing her) as heartless.  I don't know her but I hope to meet her at some point.  

She. Gets. It. 

And she voices it.  

I've got to say I believe I have come across only two other blogs where the true ups and downs of parenting a special needs child is portrayed.  Every other blog (that I have found) is overflowing with smiles and fluffy thoughts about there normal special children.  Everyone copes differently and there is nothing wrong about blogging about the happiness.  It just makes me feel like there is truly something wrong with me when I don't have the happiness. 

Is there truly something wrong with me?  

Some would say hell yes.  Some would say my life is obviously stressful and even, at times, hellish.  

I say, not.  I am a human being full of flaws yet made perfectly in God's image.  (Or is it Jesus' image?  The trinity still confuses me sometimes).  

Life is a struggle.  

Right now, today, in this moment, I struggle.  Marie is working through her last chore: garbage duty.  She does it every week.  Yet tonight she is not completing her task.  I don't know why.  She knows what to do.  She has told me.  She has done it before.  But instead of moving forward she is standing in a room and doing nothing. 

This brings me to the last point.  The behavioral specialist said that Mr. Sexy and I need to allow Marie to work through her obstacles - providing she is given the appropriate tools to accomplish the task at hand.  We should not be giving her hints and telling her what to do next when completing her task.  She needs to work through her humps herself.  Even if that means standing in a room for two hours.  That makes sense if she is seeking attention, right?  Oooh when I don't do my chores mom and dad talk to me A LOT.

So I am going to take my beer to the couch and veg to some American Idol while Marie contemplates her journey to the next trash bin.